Viva La Pablo

From the columist who heard that the economy got an unexpected boost this morning, Brian, start wanking accordingly

2006-09-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Du Du Du Du Du Da Da Da....I've bored out of my skull already and Eoin's only been gone for about 17 hours.........De De De De De De De

It's been too long you know since we last got a piece out of Donie's diary, so here it is...

JustDonie's Secret Diary

Tuesday

Lying on my beddie reading Rachel Steven's book listening to Elton John (I've asked Shambo to try to get me his number so we could jam together, he could come to my bed or we could go to his palace). I don't get any mentions in Rachel's book but neither does Bryan MacFadden, now who's the best vocalist in Ireland, Bryan my boy?

Her book is boring because it's all about S - Club and they were a bunch of rubbish heads. My three fave books of all time are - "My Life in Vision: The Linda Martin Story" (I'm in it lots) - "Shampoo Ads: The Davina MacAll Story" (I'm in it loads and loads) - "The Streetwize Unauthorised Story" - (In it so much I literally nearly died reading it).

They're probably going to ask me to write a sequel to the Streetwize book but without the other ones 'cause they're poopy heads who weren't talented enough to share a stage with me. They should make it into film starring Zack from Saved by the Bell as me. Or Tony off Hollyoaks.

Wednesday

Saw Westlife today signing autographs in HMV. They were all so awestruck by seeing me that they couldn't even bring themselves to accept a signed hairband from me, JustDonal. It must be terrible to not be in a boyband with me. I would just give up. Thankfully I'm brilliant.

Saw Brian with his girlfriend tonight, wonder when Aisling's bet is finished.

Thursday

Mummy made my favourite Shepards Pie tonight. She was reluctant at first to take the carrots out but finally relented when I followed her into the toilet to make my (fully justified point). She's crying now, I don't think she likes me using the 'c' word.

I am knitting a woolie hat for Shambo. It's really hard to get it to spell out Shambo out on the front in yellow. It's gonna match perfectly with his hat and gloves that he is obviously saving for a special occaision because he never wears them out. Maybe he'll give me a present too, something I could frame like one of his cigarette butts.

Friday

I had to give Catriona a Chinese burn today because she was making the moves on Shambo. She bought Shambo an apple but Shambo doesn't like green ones. Shambo doesn't really like Catriona, I wonder if she tricked him into sex.

Saturday

Watched X - Factor with Mummy, she said I could win the show if I wasn't already one of the best singers in the whole widest world.

I can't sleep because tomorrow I am joining a new boyband that are rubbish but I might just be able to tolerate them. I have to go to a silly audition because obviously they don't know who I am. Can't wait should be easy to be in this band.

Sunday

Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. I was the bestest singer at those auditions but for some silly reason I wasn't picked. Not fair!!!!!!!

I've written a letter of complaint to everyone of my heroes, Ronan, Kian, Stephen Gaytely, Louis Walsh, Justin, The Carter Twins.

I'm crying now.

Monday

Still crying.

Tuesday

Asked Mummy could I go to the World Moustache Championships in Germany, she says no because I have to go to something called work, tut. I would definetly win a prize. If mummy doesn't let me go next year I'm going on strike as her favourite son (John doesn't count, he has a shit moustache.)

I'm finished Shambo's hat now and am wearing it in for him.

Wednesday

Found Ronan Keating on the street and gave him some singing lessons. He said a rude word, and I laughed, so much I had to give him my curly wurly.

****

God Donie leads a great life.

Top Ten signs Donie might actually be gay

10. When he called into Shambo's house he tried to handle the gardeners hose.

9. When he went to meet his Swedish girl they were wearing the same skirt.

8. He likes Europop.

7. Has a tatoo on his arse "Not out: but still pretty proud".

6. Constantly leaves the seat down.

5. Reads Playboy for the articles.

4. While watching "Brokeback Mountain" was heard to mumble, 'it didn't exactly happen like that.'

3. Last wedding he was at, he caught the bouqet.

2. Asked what he did today, his reply? "Busy day of gay sex".

1. Last time he was in his car he got rear ended, but the car has no damage.

Fantastic mp3s for yiz:

Razorlight - America - MP3

The Von Bondies - C`Mon C`mon

Jurassic 5 - Quality Control

The Killers - When You Were Young

Danny’s Song by Loggins & Messina

Gold In The Air Of Summer by Kings Of Convenience

To Be Alone With You by Sufjan Stevens

Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine

Our Way To Fall by Yo La Tengo

I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab For Cutie

If You Find Yourself Caught in Love by Belle & Sebastian

Elevator Love Letter by Stars

Kodachrome by Paul Simon

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

Break My Body by Pixies

Mass Romantic by The New Pornographers

Do You Realize?? by The Flaming Lips

Hotel Yorba by The White Stripes

Sleepwalking by Modest Mouse

The Past and Pending by The Shins

Fresh Feeling by Eels

Hello Sunshine by Super Furry Animals

History of Lovers by Iron & Wine

by Jenny Reeve” href=”http://withoutsound.com/The%20Reindeer%20Section”>The Reindeer Section The Luckiest by Ben Folds

Moment In The Sun by Clem Snide

In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel

Peace out

From the columist who moving rooms, or changing rooms as the case might be

2006-09-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

I've been away for a long time, I know. I always find it really pretentious or something when people apologise for being away from something that wasn't that good in the first place...so here I'm back with no fizz - fazz (what the hell did that mean).

Things that have gone on in my absence

Catriona and Shambo are back ridin'

***That is all***

Another thing about having been away for so long is that I've missed out on whats been going in peoples lives so what I did was I sent out a questionairre to everyone and I was shocked at how many people wrote back! So here we go...

I hate reading...

JustDonal said 'about myself in the tabloids'

Basically Brian said 'reviews of my work'

Shambo said 'and writing'

I want my wedding to be so special I will...

Andi said 'write my own vows'

Kate said 'wait until I'm absolutely ready'

Catriona said 'remain celebate until that day' (God I can't believe I got that out without bursting)

When I heard N'sync's Lance Bass came out of the closet I thought...

Aoife K said 'he showed great courage'

Suzanne said 'he can finally stop living a lie'

Ali said 'Ah shit I wanted to tap that white boys ass'

The best way to lose excess wait is to...

Aoife R said 'cut down on carbs'

Dara Mac said 'run three miles a day'

JustDonal said 'Fire Paul from the website'

I always run into ex - girlfriends at...

Darragh K said 'parties'

JustDonal said 'The Stream'

Shambo said 'bedtime'

If I ever left my course I could see myself...

Basically Brian said 'in politics'

Aoife N said 'making pottery'

Shambo said 'finding more hours for sponging'

You can find true love you just have to have enough...

Basically Brian said 'patience'

Kate said 'faith'

JustDonal said 'anal lubricant'

If I were a car I'd be...

Aoife R said 'a Volkswagen Beetle'

Eoin said 'a corvette'

Ali said 'having sex with 12 other cars at once'

Well did u all enjoy that?

Top Ten reasons Shambo and Catriona are getting back together

10. Shambo's stimulating conversation ("Ireland isn't really an island")

9. As an excuse to show off their his and hers 'we're reconciled tatoos'

8. Stop Shambo's little brother making the moves on Catriona's brother

7. In order to keep the website going

6. She loves how before coming to be he kicks his underwear over his head

5. Shambo needed a new person to contribute petrol money

4. She's the roasted veg, he's the ham and eggs, together their a love omlette

3. A heartfelt plea from Carly

2. A heartfelt plea from Shambo's erection

1. Vodka

Quote of the week - "You guys are all slaves to time" - Muggins himself, Shambo

From the columist who was wit ur awl one

2006-07-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

Right Donals been a bit different since he came back from Nice, FACT.

Why you might ask? I've been wondering this too so I decided the only thing to do was to Donie's France diary and see what's goin on in his head.

So here we are:

JUSTDONAL'S UNCENSORED FRANCE DIARY

Thursday June 1

JustDonal plus three others arrived in Franceland today and I looked very, very handsome in my H&M gear (mammy told me). My moustache was coming in really well too with nearly three hairs fully grown. I brought my microphone with me so I can show the guys that I know all the words to George Michael’s songs. I plan to debut my new song ‘Bitch, get you’re hands offa him” which is about any ‘girl’ who comes near my Shambo.

Since we arrived Paul has eaten several Big Macs and a Pakistani child.

Friday June 2

I’m seriously thinking of ringing Seamus’s dad to complain about two things in his apartment.

The pillows, too square
The soaps, not square enough
The doorbell ring isn’t in proper key with itself

I tell the boys that I’m not that hungover from the two malibus I had the night before and want to go out again!!!

This trip is going to be the bestest way to relax before my American tour with my band. I can’t wait.

Saturday June 3
I rang my Mammy to tell her that I saw Paul kissing a girl, YUK! Everyone knows girls are stinky. We are all having a great time, we’re getting along really well and having a laugh. Earlier PJ told me “Go fuck yourself! You little gay wannabe pop idol cunt!!!! Now fuck off”.

Mammy Liz says she’s not going to fly out with my favourite pillow. Had to cry myself to sleep last night because I miss her stories especially when she reads “Pop Princess” the Britney Spears story.

I asked Shambo did he want a massage before we went out tonight. He declined. I like his hair.

Brushed my moustache.

Sunday June 4

Not much happened today the boys were tired. Spent a few hours watching Shambo sleep then did my vocal excerises.

I have the bestest voice in the whole world I bet Ireland wishes they could get me in the Eurovision.

Spent the entire day in my jim jams, how fun?

Monday June 5

I cried today because Paul said I looked like Glen of Big Brother, he’s ugly and doesn’t have a proper moustache.

Tuesday June 6

My manager tells me my voice is scratchy and I’m not allowed sing for a while. I didn’t tell him I scratched it singing a Metallica song.

I can’t stop singing; the lads all love it, especially Shambo. I got a special request for ‘Touch my bum’ by The Cheeky Girls. I’m going to sing it for them in my jim jams.

Wednesday June 7

The lads completely ignore my suggestion of not listening to any music until my voice heals! They won’t stop singing along, and there all rubbish. Especially Paul (his moustache his shit).

Shambo sings for a while though, he’s got the second bestest voice in the world.

Thursday June 8

I take it easy today. I opt to stay in and do my George Michael jigsaw in my jim jams.

When we do go out everyone swarms around me, I’m definitely everyone’s favourite person!

PJ feels sick, that’s what you get for not being Shambo.

Looking forward to going out tomorrow night, meet some nice people, Streetwise fans obviously.

My manager isn’t answering my calls anymore, must have lost his phone. I can’t wait to give him his pink Nice t shirt.

Friday June 9

In the morning I sang ‘Touch My Bum’ to a very excited audience. All the lads were smiling, brilliant. I had Shambo (kiss kiss) tape the performance and put it up on my BEBO, he forgot, o Shambo.

If I am as successful at chatting up men/women tonight I should be able to hold hands with a new person every hour.

Someone on the train was looking at me, I gave him some harsh words in return, I hope he didn’t hear them.

I talked to loadsa people tonight it was brill, I met a Swedish person who was as crazy about great music as I am, this person nearly made me make a sex wee.
After all the girls I met best friends with Shambo is clearly jealous, so he tells everyone he kissed (ewwwwwwwww) a nice looking girl. Lies.

Saturday June 10

I cried today when I had to leave. Shambo cried too, I’d say. But I’m now the best with chatting up people, so I will now need some new jim jams, with a star on them like a sherrif or a jew. BANG BANG!

From the columist who needs to talk to Donal about doing the definitive post about the shyat that went on in France

2006-06-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

I’m Irish. So I’m not sure if that really puts me in a position to argue the toss over whether or not nationalist have hijacked nationalism of the rights to the phrase “I am Irish”.

In the past few days I’ve seen many young nationalists be abused by young unionists and vice versa. We are all Christians.

I haven’t read The New Testament cover to cover, but from I understand if you cut out all the chapters about where Jesus helps the poor, needy and treating others how you would want to be treated you would have a great container to hide all the drugs Gerry Adams intends to sell on Parnell Street.

My views about politics and God come from my Grandad who died two years ago from Lung Cancer, which brings me to a funny story.

My granda, Paddy, died in my house. My uncle came home from the Isle of Man and all of his small family came together to support Maria who was closest of all to him.

A few days before Paddy passed his local priest from Coolock had found out that Paddy had been sick, he asked if he could come out to talk to him. Maria thought about it for a moment and decided it wasn’t a good idea.

Paddy was extremely smart, he knew he was dying. He knew I knew he was dying. He once again knew that I didn’t want to talk about it unless he brought it up. When he clenched my hand one day and told me “Theres not long left, Paul” I died a little bit inside.

A few days later Paddy’s priest called again. He asked my Dad could he come over to comfort Maria. Maria was a wreck by then. If anyone could offer her comfort it would be fantastic for the whole family. So Father Black came over.

He talked with all of us then eventually he asked “Would if be okay if I saw Paddy?”

Paddy had always been very religious. Until in the 90s when scandals about priests and Christian Bros came out, he still went to church regularly but became less involved with the actual priests since some of those involved in scandals where priests he had fundraised alongside.

Maria said she would go upstairs to ask Paddy if he would see Father Black. Poor Maria had a hard time making it up the stairs so I went with her.

At this stage Paddy was so weak and pale it was difficult to look at him. Still though he remained on the ball.

“Dad, Father Black is here and he wants to know if he can have a word with you?” Maria asked him. Paddy took a deep breath and told us.

“If he feels like it will do HIM some good…” Father Black was knew at the parish and Paddy didn’t really know him. For a nearly dead man to tell a joke like that was brilliant. In all my life if I could do that it would be worth it.

Father Black spoke to Paddy for about an hour, Paddy died two days later. Father Black said his funeral and the mass I told Father Black the story and he laughed, hard.

It wasn’t till recently that I heard the full story of that day.

At my Great Aunt’s funeral two months ago Father Black was once again doing the honours. After the mass I got the opportunity to talk to him. He told me that while he was talking to Paddy, Paddy spent the whole time trying to make him feel comfortable.

That was Paddy.

Patrick Breslin was born in Ballybough in 1920. Paddy left school at 8 to become a messenger boy and help to support his rapidly growing family. He was everything during his life - Milkman, Fireman, Soldier, Electrician, Phone Engineer, Boxer, Boxing Trainer - anything to support his family.

He and my Granny, Florence, were married for 50 years, and they loved each other dearly. He nearly fell apart when she died. He was a catholic like everyone in my family growing up.
Unlike everyone else he wasn’t afraid to express his opinions on who or what God was.

Something that was crazy during the secular 1950s Ireland. He believed in God and Heaven, he made me believe in God and Heaven.

Paddy didn’t believe in God as man in a white beard sitting on a mountain but as a human like he had created, a one who treated all humans the same regardless.

My Granda once told me that he believed in Nature. He included with this humankind, to be so beautiful, so magnificent, there had to be something behind it all. That was it: There just has to be something behind everything that we see.

It wasn’t anymore complicated then that.

For Paddy his political teaching lay in that the ethical teaching priests had told him from day one, something he had told me was that always put in perspective the advice giver’s agenda.
Paddy was a history nut, maybe that’s where I got it from.

I knew one of his favourite quotes came from American founding father John Adams when he said “Be Just and Good.” Something Paddy lived his life by, something I will strive to live mine by.

Another one of Paddy’s favourite historical figures was Thomas Jefferson, who would have distorted some of Paddy’s Christian beliefs. I never had the chance to ask Paddy what he would have thought about Jefferson having sex with a black slave girl.

I’m 100% sure he would have disapproved. Mainly because the girl was a slave in the first place.
My beliefs of God and Politics are the same as Paddy’s. We are all the same regardless. And like him I respect all other beliefs. I know that whoever carries these beliefs extract great joy and inspiration from them. I also expect all others to respect my beliefs.

Is Paddy in heaven looking down, giving us all that same smile he gave me when I laughed at his joke? I have no idea. In fact I wouldn’t say so. But I know he is a part of me, and part of everyone who loved him.

I think somewhere in there is God.

From the columist who has a thing for string cheese

2006-05-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

So when I'm in France what will everyone else be doing? Muhahahaha!

Not sure if I've done this before but if I have tough

Being out socialising with everyone is great, it really is, I get to talk with everybody about a range of different things but I never feel that I get enough info. Thankfully with the advent of BEBO I get to send out questionairres to people and they get back to me and we have a jolly old laugh and if it's okay with you I'd like to share them with you.

If I could have dinner with anyone from history it would be...

Katus said "Michael Collins"

Doug said "Otto Von Bismarck"

Ali said "That guy who did me from behind last summer"

My friends and I are always up for...

Keogh said "a few cans and a DvD"

Dara Mac said "a game of ball"

PJ said "three days straight"

I fear the ban on gay priests will lead to...

Strictly Jonathan said "Intolerance in the gay community"

Andraea said "A distortion of true christian values"

Just Donal said "Me having no reason to go to church"

In addition to being my lover my girlfriend is also...

Simon Carberry said "My best friend"

Simon Hayes said "The only one I can really trust"

Just Donal said "Inflatable" (Bang, two in a row!)

After dinner I like to...

Shambo said "Have a cigarette"

IL Signe "Go for a walk"

I said "You mean dinner can be over??"

I don't feel like a star on JustDonal.Blogspot.com and feel just like everyone else when I have to...

Catriona said "Wash my clothes"

Katus said "Do the shopping"

Basically Brian said "Hate my columns"

I'm completely useless when it comes to...

Aoife R said "anything mechanical"

Aoife K said "anything financial"

Shambo said "anything anything"

******************

Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story

by JustDonal

(Ghostwritten by Viva La Pablo)

The final serialisation: Chapter 1

My childhood was very normal, nothing made it extraordinary, except there were many in Howth who thought that I was the only gay in this village.

I suppose it all really changed when I was 18 and put my hand on a girl's breast, it was very powerful. Her strong christian belief's prevented me from throttling her one but still her breasts were juicy.

Another turning point for me was when a man asked me to come to his house, it was to join the band but at first I thought he liked me for me not because of my unbelievable singing talent. It's a cross I have to bare.

When we first walked out on stage for our first American show I felt a rush of pleasure not felt since I had my hand on that girl's breast, it was equsite. The only thing that came close to the feeling was when we swept the first annual Gay Grammy awards.

I sit here now telling this story so people can understand the pain of the gay jokes, the pain I go through when I have to cry myself to sleep on my leopard skin pillows! The pain is terrible, but still even though you joke, I love you all.

One more anecdote though before we move on, the night after we had just broken up myself and Doug Switzer went on a bit of a bender (well I was on more of a bender then he was if you know what I mean) and we found ourselves in the middle of the new Mexico desert, I must have had three or four Malibus so I was seeing the pink elephants. When Switzer and myself stood beside each other in the middle of the desert, we saw God. Then Doug runied the moment by sticking a Cactus plant up his arse, hilarious all the same. Ah Doug it's a pity I had to have him killed.

*******************************************

Do you think Donal should sue me after writing this? Probably

How Real Men Behave

Voila a little tale for you to recount on the next occasion that footballers are compared unfavourably to those ‘real men’ of rugby union.

While news of two All Blacks fighting in a Christchurch bar sounds manly enough, the account of the scuffle to be found in the New Zealand Herald contains several noteworthy details:

'Patrons at a Christchurch bar say they watched in disbelief as former All Black captain Tana Umaga struck a teammate in the head with a woman's handbag.

'They said Hurricanes teammate and All Black Chris Masoe then broke into tears after the blows from Umaga, and was ridiculed by onlookers.''

"It looked more like ... an angry mother smacking a naughty child kind of thing."

''Another bar patron, Scott, said he saw Umaga pick up a handbag and strike Masoe twice. "When that happened, Masoe burst into tears and created a bit of a scene at the bar. A female bouncer came in and managed to get Masoe and Umaga to leave.'

Seeing as I'm going to France, have I mentioned that?? Here are some good holidaying tips

Top Ten Viva La Pablo tips for enjoying you're holiday

10. Take the time to learn local public drunkeness laws

9. Find out how receptive the locals to are to 5am renditions of "Where the streets have no name"

8. Pick up T - Shirt: "I was in Ayia Napa and I all I got was the Clap"

7. Pack light: One Leopard Skin Thong should be plenty

6. When you are being arrested try to bribe the police with a pot of gold, after you inform them that you are Irish, and a leperachan obviously

5. Learn how to say "she said she wanted to do it" in the local language

4. If bringing drugs into a foreign country be sure to remind yourself what a complete idiot you are

3. Don't forget to tip the person pulls you out of a gutter somewhere

2. Bring some Barry's Tea

1. For men only: When sleeping in the same room as JustDonal sleep with one eye open

Currently in my BEBO poll to see who will be the first one to get some action in France Shambo is winning, followed by PJ, followed by me but sadly JustDonal is last but that'll probably mean he'll be the first one to score.

I'll talk to yiz all when I get back from France!

From the columist who has it where it counts

2006-05-26T01:48:00.000-07:00

<-- Bascially Brian's Penis

For once Darragh isn't the biggest poseur in a photo, Dec looks like someone from a London building site in 1982, Darragh looks all of 11 years old, Hugo ya'd never make the mistake of thinking he was from Dublin.

Who were we back then?

Starting in the back row l to r: The Leggy Brunette, Awl Gammon, I love Aoife (but which one?), Herr Markus, Viva La Whatshistits, Brother can you spare a brain, Johnny Boy, Rod Stewart, Hahaha Jonesy, Bob (NOT DUFFER), Hugo Carrrrrrrroooooo ariba!, Ronald Reagan, Fergus von Ravishing, Daragh von scored Roz, Not Basically Brian Yet, Fiona (Doug really does live in a caravan), Someday I'll score VLp, The Keogh Bar (there adding a new day to the week), My hero, Kielty gas so she was, awl lupo, Ah Nathan and you're junk habit fantastic all the same, JustDonal, Womens Liberation!, Jess The Mess (Not really that just rhymes), Fuck off I'm 70 I didn't serve in two wars for you fackin' hippies!, YASSOON, Half Man - Half Fish, Hollarback Girl, Roz von scored Daragh, Orla so very hot, Easy!, MY NAME IS CAROLINE AND I WILL CRUSH YOU, Does anyone know where she was from because she never used to talk about it? ;), Keogh's dreamgirl, Look it's not what you said......

Ah sure, here's to the memories!

I'm not going to bore you with the intricate details of La Coppa Bocelli because you all know who the people's champion is. Viva La Pablo, Viva La Revolcion, Viva La Internazionale, roll on June.

Latest news at JustDonal towers....

JustDonal in tax haven

Following the heavy and much needed conviction of the Enron scumbags JustDonal has gone into tax hiding as the government seek to question him about the possible €45 Billion he owes Basically Brian, Strictly Jonathan and myself from last years marathon posting. IL Signe, Nics and Roisin will continue to be paid in peanuts until further notice.

A slow newsday.........

Top Ten signs you've failed you're exams and will be back later in the summer...

10. You failed to fill you're name in correctly

9. For the past two months you've been takin notes with the rubber end of you're pencil

8. You ran out three times during you're last exam to check BEBO

7. Lecturer told you that he would see you tomorrow

6. For you're oral presentation, you attempted to give you're lecturer oral

5. Whenever you enter the room everyone stops talking about going to America for the summer

4. Kept asking aloud during you're exam "consanant please Carol"

3. Thought you're Maths exam was going to be in Sudoku form

2. You used you're revision sheet to roll a massive cone

1. Just had a messy break up, with you're lecturer.

Enjoy the weekend, just six days to France!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From the columist who's suprisingly unhungover

2006-05-25T05:38:00.001-07:00

So I reckon' I could well be in.

Just to fill you all in I managed to get tickets for The Editors last night, and frankly they rocked. Shambo nearly got killed by a scalper which was gas, we met two nice girls, sisters so they were, but we couldn't decide which one we wanted so neither of us got anywhere. He claimed he scored one of them, he's lying of course.

Somesongs for yiz to download cuz I'm hungover

Faultline & Chris Martin - Where is my Boy

Wasn't sure about this one but after a few listens it gets a most definate two thumbs off, Coldplay fans will love it and it can be downloaded here: http://scatterolight.blogspot.com/2006/05/those-are-rules.html

Just click the link and go to "save target as"

A Tribe Called Quest - I Left My Wallet In El Segundo

Bit of old school hip hop for yiz now a real summer song, it you only have a passing interest in hip hop it's defo worth getting.

Bob Dylan - Like A Rolling Stone

Sometimes you have kick out wit a bit of Bob. One of the greatest songs of all time without question!! This is a live version from the New Orleans Jazz Fest.

Van Morrison - Cyprus Avenue

Again just one of the best songs ever, mentioned the last time I did one of these posts, it's beautiful, mystic and shows Van has a voice that can melt the hardest of hearts.

Van Morrison - Moondance

Couldn't resist putting this one on either, beautiful...

Elbow - Newborn

Right so I'm not a huge Elbow fan but everytime I hear them I start to like them more, very soft, good for a hangover.

Common feat Laetitia Sadler -- New Wave

Common is one of the most talented MCs in the world, the most original since Mos Def, this is the sort of song that shows his lyrical quality as well as his knowledge of beats.

and finally....

The Zombies - Summertime

These were the first English white boys to think they were black way back in 1969. This song has it all one of my favourites and quite fitting!

I'll have to delete this post in about week so as not infringe on copyright....cuz "the man" says I can't listen to MY music.

Still though....

Cuz I'm such a nice guy you will get a Top Ten

Top Ten Things Viva La Pablo wants to get off his chest

10. I haven't spoken to Brian in 13 years

9. We don't really have offices

8. Eoin cheats at scrabble

7. I sold my soul to Twink

6. I hate it when people say I look like Bam Margera

5. Sometimes I confuse Aoife R with John Donnelly

4. I think Jonathan has been kidnapped

3. Jessica Alba - Call Me

2. The Editors, bet they've never edited anything in their lives, Eoin knows what I'm talkin' about!

1. I can't prove it but I think Doug sleeps in my toilet

Right feeling really ropey, good luck to yiz all

From the columist that will kill you for tickets to The Editors tonight

2006-05-24T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hmm.....anyone else think it's time Roxanne turned off her redlight?

Walking down past Trinity College there at lunchtime, ran into world famous yetti Doug Switzer. In town to get a haircut, it's about time according to himself. He's off to Tralee in a few weeks to start his Television Production course. Why it starts in the summer I don't know, maybe Kerry is the southern hemisphere now.

Doug also told me something else interesting...

DOUG SWITZER IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD

Whilst most of us would be innocently slaughtered if we attempted to wrestle a bull, Dout Switzer can do it with one arm tied behind his back.

And it's all down to his own miracle protein drink.

The drink is a simple concoction of mashed up pringles, preferably on you're own pubic hairs, followed by urine drained from you're own urine soaked jeans and lastly a quick injection of pepsi up you're anus.

In fact Switzer's reciepe has been adopted by some of the world's top football teams in preparation for the summer's World Cup. Switzer however doubts a "lil faggot like Beckham" could ever match his strength and masculinity he has welcomed the worlds greatest players to try. Regularly Switzer can be seen blasting drop goals far into the Irish Sea.

Switzer has gone so far as to encourage people like Beckham to try to outdo Switzer's record breaking feats instead of others such as England new boy Theo Walcott or Brazil's genius Ronaldinho. "Beckham and I have so much in common" said Switzer "We're both dashing, and we're not filthy niggers." Big racist Doug returns.

"If my strength isn't worth you lending me a tenner, then I don't know what is."

***************************

Daily posts about a year old although they took a significant break for a while there but that doesn't matter because I'm going to do this anyway.

Top Ten Things I've learned over the lasy year of posting

10. If I want a day off tell JustDonal I'll sell those photos of him to the Mirror

9. Talk about Doug Switzer? Comedic gold!

8. Before make - up Jonathan looks like a sea rat

7. Give the readers free iPods

6. We can't afford free iPods

5. There is nothing funnier than looking at Shambo reading

4. No 4 in the Top Ten is never funny

3. Proof reading is for the gay amongst you

2. Shambo taught me that no sex is better than behind you're ex - girlfriend's back sex

1. JustDonal will tolerate bad jokes a lot longer than Catriona will

http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?Page=Profile_jsp&MemberId=396156354 this is the funniest BEBO page I've ever read, it just can't be real, it has to be a Garda trying to get people

Peace out now

From the columist who's feeling better about things

2006-05-23T06:07:00.001-07:00

Porn, or something like it.

All the news from JustDonal inc.

Chromosome One Sequenced

Scientists have sequenced the last chromosome in the human genome in an attempt to decode the genome and unlock secrets to human life. Shockingly, one of the revelations of the genome is that Shambo and Catriona had a son together.

No Da Vinci Code For Us!

JustDonal has sensationally censored all of us here at the office from seeing "The Da Vinci Code". He said "It's disgusting, it's obscene, it's downright blasphemous!" He was of course talking about Tom Hanks' haircut.

Da Vinci Code controversy rolls on!

The filmakers are very keen to stress that the film has no basis on fact and his is a complete work of fiction. The producers are also keen to get to work on their next work of fiction "JustDonal is straight".

VivaLaPablo's stock advice

Invest in The Weather Channel apparently there is going to be 16 hurricanes in the coming year!

Top Ten Way Strictly Jonathan can improve his image

10. Lucky fan gets to rub him down before he writes each column

9. Develop a way for Viva La Pablo to be more captive towards his female audience

8. Start an independent erotic blog

7. Become a plumber/porn star

6. Open clothes shop: "Big, Tall and Bonerific."

5. Star in one of those "We have 15 kids" films with Steve Martin

4. For every column he writes he will donate 500 euro to the good people erectiledisfuntion.org

3. Auction autographed photos of Elaine on eBay

2. Switch from writing for the website to studying a la Basically Brian

1. For the love of God man, at least write another column some time this year!

Quote of the week - "You can't buy class" - Briogaid Dearg to Bohemians supporters, courtesy of IL signe

From the columist who's feeling extra cynical

2006-05-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

Who knew that characters from Lord of the Rings could win the Eurovision? I'm still disappointed wee gay Brian Kennedy couldn't have brought it home for us.

There's been an abundance of buzz following the first serialisation of JustDonal's autobiography so not to keep you waiting here comes the next serialisation.

Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story

by JustDonal (Ghostwritten by Viva La Pablo)

Chapter 6

The band breaking up was hard. I won't lie, it had become a part of me, a big part. I knew when final negotiations between Corey an Louis Walsh broke down that it was the end. What suprised me most was the outpouring of support that I got for my part in the break up. I was determined that the small Swedish boy shouldn't be allowed his own dressing room when we were all sharing at the Brit Awards. Snoop came into me at Elton John's Brit afterparty whilst I was enjoying an orgy of hot sex and told me not to stand for it, he compared my situation in the band to his when he was with Death Row Records. He was right, I got on the phone to Catriona who I had recently appointed as my solicitor and told her to write to Lou [Pearlman] and tell him that I was on strike until I recieved an apology.

After I finished my orgy I went out to sit down on one of Elton John's zebra couches. I was enjoying a nice Malibu and Coke when all of a sudden I was approached by none other than Danni Minouge. I was always such a fan of her sisters, to the point where I used hump the Barbie sized doll I had of her image. We talked for a while about our respective opinions on breast reduction surgery until I asked her if she was single. She replied, "would I be talking to you if I wasn't?" I swear to god I got a hard on then that could have killed a donkey. I then straight away asked her to marry me stating that if I simply asked her to go out with me then we might go for a while to restaurants and get photographed by paparazzo and then nothing would happen, but if we got married straight away and cut out the bullshit then we'd be laughing. After a few well placed phone calls I arranged to my private jet to take Danni and myself to Las Vegas, the city of eternal love. There we were married by a fat Elvis impersonater, on the flight back home Danni gave me a suck job.

**************************Stay Tuned For Another Serialisation************************

Here look I know that is all a bit of fun, but I think it's time we got serious for a moment and took a look around. I think it's time we all looked into the future, all the way to the YEAR 3000...

In the year 3000...

Basically Brian will lend his expert knowledge to US security figures to help them locate the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, he will have no luck but will however determine the whereabouts of Bernard Lynch.

In the year 3000...

The polar ice caps will melt causing the world to flood, fast thinking authorities quickly hand VivaLaPablo a straw.

In the year 3000...

JustDonal will score a No 1 hit when he gets top of the list for "Gayest Moments in Irish Television."

In the year 3000...

Scientists will do the impossible and discover an alternative fuel source to oil, then they will move on to the next seemingly impossible task, stopping Catriona from sleeping around!!

In the year 3000...

Shambo will enter the Big Brother house, not familiar with the rules he will leave the house daily to pick up some skins as well as ride Carly.

MMMMMMMMMMM.................thats good satire!

Top Ten Reasons why VivaLaPablo hasn't got a girlfriend

10. My force is no longer with me

9. JustDonal is trying to get us all here to move into the gay bit of the sexual spectrum

8. Chat up line is still: "Do you have any VivaLaPablo in you..."

7. Still doing Beyonce like booty shaking

6. Can't tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

5. Girls don't like a man who drinks Malibu and Pineapple Juice with an umbrella in it

4. My Bebo name is Studley McMuffin

3. When Bebo is in trouble for online stalking, my name is always mentioned

2. VivaLaPablo refers to himself in the third person

1. Holding out for you're awl wan

Sorry for the lateness of the post there'll be another along shortly

From the columist who should have better things to do

2006-05-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

Goin to France in 13 days, still only have the basic French, you know phrases like "I surrender".

That Da Vinci Code film is getting very bad reviews, maybe it's the fact that Tom Hanks looks like a member of Depeche Mode, but what do I know?

There are now three national languages in Ireland: Irish, English and whatever you call it when a Cork person opens their mouth and words fall out.

Latest from JustDonal Towers...

Gays banned shocker

JustDonal has sensationally banned all homosexuals from entering the JustDonal offices. Me forever being the preacher of human rights begged Donal to allow freedom of expression in the offices to which Donal replied, "No I'm not having any of those dirty faggots here, by the way Pablo you are looking devastatingly attractive."

Basically Brian book deal

Basically Brian has signed a six figure deal to write his first book. The book will deal all the things neccesary to write a great internet column. Of course first he will actually have to write a great internet column.

.........................

This weekend sees one of the biggest sporting occasions of the years. It's one of the biggest games in a long time. Everybody will be watching, people are talking about it. The Herald AM was full of it today. Thats right I'm of course talking about Shelbourne vs Bohemians , the awl reds v the gypsies. C'mon the SHELBOURNE!

And for any of you who thought I was talking about the other sport tomorrow all I can say is:

BIARRITZ, BIARRITZ, BIARRITZ!

.........................

'Teenage girls are now more likely than boys to smoke, steal and take drugs, a survey has shown... The research, produced by academics from the Institiute of Health and Community Studies at Bournemouth University, suggested that there had been improvements in behaviour among boys. The number who admitted stealing had halved, as had numbers who were regularly in fights' - The Daily Mail. Viva La Pablo suspects the boys are lying.

............................

Top Ten Aoife Roberts would say if we hired her at Just Donal towers

10. "You promised me a free monkey if I came here, I want my monkey!"

9. "It's not what you said it's the way that you said it."

8. "Donal stop stealing my make up bag."

7. "Why are the lights so low in you're office Paul? Why are you playing "Sexual Healing"? Why are you wearing you're leopard skin thong?"

6. "I've just arrived here and already Jonathan is leaving pornographic messages on my voicemail."

5. "Maybe someday I'll be as femenine as JustDonal."

4. "Brian why do we constantly have to watch you're tape of the 1992 budget?"

3. "Hey that's my crack pipe put it down."

2. "I can smell Viva La Pablo's cologne from the basement, eww."

1. "If I seem dissappointed it's only because I thought I was getting a job a good website."

This post? Mediocre, at best.

Enjoy ur weekend

From the columist who's praying Messi plays tonight

2006-05-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Along time ago I agreed a verbal contract with JustDonal to ghost write his autobiography entitled "Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story". Like with any good autobiography it has to be serialised and seeing as the Herald weren't interested I've decided to serialise it here on the website. So without further Apu here is

"Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story" by Donal Skehan

(Ghostwritten by VivaLaPablo)

Chapter 11

I never imagined Kylie Minogue's new penis would be so big. She had taken to walking around myself and Danni's apartment naked so much lately it was the norm. I still think that Danni and I should have tried harder to talk her out of the sex change but she was dead set on it. Ever since the failure of her conceptual heavy metal album "Kylie Bitchface" she wanted to reinvent herself a la Madonna or to a lesser extent Corey from the band. Kylie was now Kyle, this was hard to take for a long term fan.

It was June 21st when I had my first in studio meeting with Dr Dre to produce my second solo offering. Dre was chillin' out as usual, to be honest I was unimpressed with his laid back attitude, it was unprofessional. Dre had laid down some beats for me and although they were good they didn't have the Gareth Brooks/Pet Shop Boys aesthetic I was after. After Dre and Snoop were down smoking their 'drugs' we went to record the first song off the album "Shut you're nizzle stupid bitch" Snoop had done the lyrics but I was unimpressed. I phoned Catriona for a ride in order to my mind off things. Still though I was happy to working with Dre and Snoop. "Shut you're nizzle..." came off really well

although it was becoming more and more driven toward gangsta rap which is something I was trying to avoid since the gangland shooting of Bascially Brian which was brought about by my song "Shut you're nizzle Jay - Z".

Things were good at home for Danni and me at the time, she was still worried about her sister and wasn't pleased with me constantly calling Catriona for a ride. Still though we had a good sex life though her wanting to do me with a strap on was really starting irritate me.

Sometimes I used to miss Basically Brian, not only was he my financial advisor, he was a close friend. I never someone could get a bullet straight up there japs eye. Say what you will about Jay - Zizzle he has excellent marksmen working for him. Brian was there with me through the great times and the even better times. I'll never forget walking in on his threeway Scarlett Johannsen and Anna Nolan, we laughed that night I'll tell you. It was Brian who had urged me to go after Jay Z after Jay at dissed me during an organised Europop/Rap off done in aid of the "Rap and Europop against excessively long hair charity". His words were hurtful he said "JustDonal or JD for short/Hope you contract VD in court/VD Venerial Disease o please/I licked out you're wife's vagina cheese." Not only was that rude but it was icky and the court thing was the first time my attempted murder case had been brought up since I was acquitted.

I decided to go and visit Shambo in prison for the first time that same week. I was putting it off for a while. He'd been very good to take the blame for me in the drugs charges. I seriously didn't think that I'd get caught bringing poppers in Mongolia, how was I to know their illegal there? Shambo had been a good booking agent. It was weird going back to the prison where I had spent those three hours seven years ago for inciting a riot at the bands gig in the prison. Shambo looked like he wasn't doing anything with himself just smoking blow and hanging around it was so different to the vibrant exciting life he led in the outside world. Shambo suprisingly held no grudge against me, I tried to cheer him up by bringing naked photos of Catriona but he was uninterested. It looked like he starting to like taking it up the Josh (Josh Ritter, Shitter!)

Thats all for Chapter 11. Another Serialisation will appear soon.

Seeing as yesterdays post was so poor I still have to fill you in on the latest news from JustDonal inc.

Meeting ends in disgrace

At a recent staff meeting Basically Brian made the mistake of arguing with JustDonal over the website moving to an all gay porn format. JustDonal drunk on his own power/malibu and coke preceeded to get his bodyguard Julian move Brian's offices to the worst place imaginable, Malahide.

JustDonal lays down the law

JustDonal has decided that he doesn't want anyone who believes his band will fail to read the website. These people don't live near JustDonal as they are from the real world.

Not impressed with WI : FI

The latest is that we are going to be getting WI : FI connection in the offices personally I'd prefer a pay cheque.

Top Ten Things of Shambo's CV that suggest he'll never get a job

10. Porked Catriona in public

9. Types 12 words per day

8. Can recite the words to "Somewhere over the rainbow"

7. Put diesel in a petrol car

6. Weed salesman of the month

5. Used to be the guy who sits beside the waterslide and says "ok, you can go". Was responsible for more fatalites then Stalin.

4. Once stuck hand in machine that sharpens pencils

3. Watched "Moulin Rouge" 34 times consecutively

2. 2004 - 2005 cleaned cars for HB Dennis, May 2005 promoted to salesman, June 2005 demoted to car cleaner.

1. Friend of Paul Farrells

Quote of the week - "It looks like Cisse is going to have to play with a strap on" - Mark Lawerenson during the FA Cup Final

From the columist who's returning to daily posts

2006-05-16T01:56:00.000-07:00

Cork would be a lovely place, were it not for all those Cork people that live there.

I am too tired to move. Free Jay Bregazzi!

Look it's going to be slow today I'm really not with it.

I was dyslexic as a child, it was horrible, I used to write about it in my dairy.

Here's something an obnoxious illeterate might say: "I told you I can't read!" I think we should all make more of an attempt to slag off the illeterates [Shambo] it's not like they'll understand it.

Down in Cork last night and two lads, Jay and Iano both got thrown out. Their crime? Bein' awl redsmen.

Neale Fenn? Cunt for those of you who weren't aware.

When a catterpillar becomes a butterfly, would all his caterpillar mates say "Man, you changed."?

Here you're all gettin jipped, not even a Top Ten. Ah well I'll return soon not so tired.

From the columist who you haven't been seeing much of recently

2006-04-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Do I ask Brian's girlfriend for too many wanks? Answers on a postcard.

I know I haven't been around much lately but I assure you it was because I couldn't have been arsed.

Question of the week (As asked by Shambo)
Paul, wheres Temple Bar?

Once more, just put them on a postcard.

The Godfather Game
Bought it a while ago. It may well satisfy the rappers, it won't satisfy the nerds (Brian).
**

Heres all the latest news from us here at JustDonal inc.

No Party Plans For JustDonal
The Bloody Stream will not be doing anything special to celebrate JustDonal's album release.........they're going to leave it to The George.

Name change for Ali?
Some here at JustDonal seem to think that if Ali were referred to by her full name, Alison, then she wouldn't receive so much abuse. I on the otherhand believe if we referred to her by her proper name Ali Jigga Rasta Biatch, it would be more positive.

VIVA LA PABLO EXCLUSIVE!

This is a world exclusive! The first review of Donal's debut album! I've been listening to it all weekend and I've come up with this precise review that I think encapsulates exactly how I felt about his opus! Here we go....

"Brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, dodo, doltish, dopy, dull, dumb, foolish, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, irresponsible, laughable, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, pointless, puerile, senseless, short-sighted, simple, simple-minded, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thickheaded, unintelligent, unthinking, witless.

"Abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad news, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, god-awful, gross, grungy, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, not good, off, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, sleazeball, sleazy, slipshod, stinking, substandard, synthetic, the pits, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.

"Abhorrent, atrocious, awful, base, beastly, contemptible, cursed, deplorable, despicable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, foul, grim, hairy, hateful, hellish, horrible, loathsome, lousy, nasty, nauseating, obnoxious, odious, offensive, putrid, repellent, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, sleazeball, stinking, terrible, vile, wretched."

All in all it's one of the best things I've heard all year.
*****FIVE STARS!

JustDonal in film talks
The guy can't get a moments rest. Early reports Donal is in talks with Fox studios to protray a loser college student who's impotent, it title? "The Paul Farrell Story."

Does Darragh cry?
I speculated a while ago that I think that Darragh Keogh may still cry over Arabella. I threw the idea around the office there the other day and this is the response I got.

Basically Brian: "Thats a joke, grown men shouldn't cry, unless of course they realise that suddenly their column is going downhill....sniff....snifff.....leave me alone now."

JustDonal: "I don't have time to cry over girls....I'm too busy pretending I like them."

VivaLaPablo (Apparently I answer my own questions now): Ah the sensitive guy routine...that's really something I have to get around to using, maybe then I could get laid more often.

Okay enough of that now lets just move on to the Top Ten....

Wow just realised there hasn't been a single Catriona joke....

Top Ten reasons why Catriona is settling down

10. Says please and thank you after sex with complete strangers

9. Baby proofed her house using old fluffy handcuffs

8. Guy who delivers Chinese doesn't 'deliver' anything else if you know what I mean

7. Instead of falling around the stream on a Friday night, falls around hospitals adminstering hand jobs to terminally ill patients

6. Only one answer to the question of "Who's your'e daddy?"

5. Donated her bedroom "Take a number" maching to the Motor Taxation Office

4. Instead of sleeping with entire Suttonians club now only sleeps with the hockey players

3. Doesn't need nearly as many batteries if you know what I mean?

2. When shopping for condoms, uses coupons

1. Uses whip to keep pikeys of her property

Oh it feels good to be back

Quote of the week - "I think I might be gay" - Shambo, and I assure I am not taking that out of context.

IL SIGNE

2006-03-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Check out our newest columnist - IL SIGNE, for now can be found by clicking the IL SIGNE link at the top news ticker like thingymabob. Or simply go to www.ilsigne.blogspot.com

Brian

From the columist who should go to bed

2006-03-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen I want to introduce all to the greatest hero in the history the fucking world, THE SKIN.

The Skin is about 50, lives in Phibsboro, a huge reds man as well as a Roma fan. Heres a few quotes.

(on being asked how long he's been waiting at the airport) 'Yeah I've been here since 4, I was able to get a lift so I decided to be three hours early'

'I think I slept in the zoo once'

'After buying us all drink for 5 days he came in on the Friday and we said 'no skin this is our shout' so we stood him up on the bar and we threw the drink at him'

'I had an 'awl friend in Howth called David Courtnay, ur 19 are u Paul? Yeah I'd doubt you'd know him, he moved out of Howth about 19 years ago'

'So I walked in the door and there I saw the fish's tale goin' down his throat, mind you he went straight to the toilet and didn't come out. But a good skin, he won the bet.'

'We will give the pilot a few penalty points.'

'Shelbourne FC, we are not the biggest, we are not the best, but were honest.'

'I ordered us 4 burgers and tea'

'So there we were, baloobas'

The Skin is called that because he refers to everyone as 'skin'. He is a proper hero.

From the columist who always looks on the bright side of life

2006-03-08T01:43:00.000-08:00

You're all so busy these days with college, work, driving around smoking spliffs and such that you always miss out on the news. So VivaLaPablo in association with JustDonal inc and SuckMyFanny productions present the What's goin' on in the World?

Heil Catriona!

It's resident skank Catriona's birthday today, she turns 20. So with her possibly becoming a proper solicitor in about 6 years it gives all working class people 6 years to get out of the country before she prosecutes you for existing.

Basically Brian re-learning to talk

Still heroically recovering from getting happy slapped by Rupert Murdoch over his constant complaints to Sky News, Basically Brian has started speaking again. VivaLaPablo has harshly criticised him though saying the few words he can say are far too patriotic.

Strictly Jonathan in awards shame

After all the glitz and glamour from Sunday night's awards ceremony....'The JustDonal inc Column of the Week award' sponsored by Nivea Visage, winner Jonathan is in the tabloid turmoil. He reportedly forget to thank his girlfriend upon recieving the award....Wait did you say girlfriend?

Controversial.

Column Study Found

A study carried out by Yale University has found that children who read JustDonal do not develop behaviour problems in school, that's probably because most teachers are more interesting than Donal's columns.

Controversial #2.

Rape Report Found

A new report has stated that woman gets raped every 26 seconds in South Africa, Jesus, you think she'd move!

Colour of skin?

Ali says she does find out hard to go out with a white guy. She went on to say she has trouble liking Michael Jackson since he went white.

Awards cermony a huge success

The JustDonal 'Column of the Week awards' was a huge draw last week. The ceremony's entertainment was booked by JustDonal himself so the show was sub - titled 'Best of Gay Europop #2'.

Top Ten Ways for Catriona celebrated her birthdays of the past

10. Drank too much beer, passed out under Shambo

9. A lively game of 'Dodge the urge to get a proper job'

8. Instead of hard drugs, had some hard cock

7. Enjoyed an enthusiastic rendition of 'Happy Knob - day to you'

6. Was horrified to see JustDonal as her male stripper

5. Thanked her uncle for the €40 voucher to Ann Summers

4. Hired clowns to twist balloons into the shape of working class people so she could kill them with a hat pin

3. Held an intimate gathering for her friends who havne't boned her yet

2. Gave Jonathan €50 and demanded he show her the full monty

1. Tequila shots with Attila the Hun

Quote of the week - "Patriotism is the conviction that you're country is superior to all others because you happened to have been born there" - George Bernard Shaw

From the columist who hopes you all remember him

2006-03-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

It's working at JustDonal inc. It really is. There is so much to do, so much to experience. As part as my new column I am going to be reviewing films and videos that I happen to see. The first one is:

Catriona and Shambo: Doin' it in the muck Vol. 1

In late 2003 Catriona and Shambo set the bar a bit higher with shameless public expressions of love. Filmed on a relatively poor CCTV recording in the front muck of Shambo's mansion, the story is not as well developed as it should be nor is it true to its roots.

The film was conceived (pardon the pun) following the run away success of the short Shambo Rubbin' Catriona off whilst a small group of people look through a small window Vol. 1 and has been sold to many illegal and sleazy pornogrophers the world over.

In recent years many have said that homemade smut was being marginalised with the equally insipid performances of Abi Titmuss and Paris Hilton. Cat tries to get the most out of a reckless Shambo who doesn't seem to have his head in the game.

Shambo, who appears in this piece as the overly sleazy rich kid never really comes across to the viewer as being into his material. Cat, tries her best but with the absence of any Shambo 'mojo' it's hard.

You do get the feeling though through the film that the pair can produce more, and towards the end Cat seems to be having a good time. It could be argued that the viewer doesn't know if it's Shambo thats in her or the bottle of vodka that is making her so happy.

In the end the two can improve and the smut viewing public will expect more next time around.

VLP.

On a quick side bar I'd just like to say a quick happy birthday to Aoife Kinsella I'll be there to celebrate 20 years to day that 9 months previous her parents did it, probably from behind.

Top Ten ways you know I'm trying to have sex with you

10. I hand you a prescription that reads '1,000 mg of VivaLaPablo'

9. I shake you're hand by grabbing you're ass

8. I tell you about my ability to vibrate

7. If we are in a Taxi together I ask the Taxi driver to get out of the car, for some alone time

6. I give you a birthday card that contains a photo of me, nudey

5. Despite the fact that I don't own any poultry I constantly offer you some cock

4. Arrange to go to the cinema with you at about 8, in my pants

3. When you asked me to check if you had a temperature I said I could feel it better from the inside

2. I complain that you suffer from an acute lack of gettin bizzay

1. I tell you I want to be your buddy, and convienently forget the fuck part

Thanks for reading VivaLaPablo's column - I know it wasn't great but I'm out of practice, go on you do better, yes you there you f*$£in b£"!$%£s s$£^%$£d, yeah I went there

From the columist who had a fine weekend, not that any of you bothered to ask

2006-02-12T14:31:00.000-08:00

You know when your in the stream and it's crowded and everyboy is having a laugh? And its crowded? And then a girl bumps into Brian and he goes flying against a wall in hilarious circumstances? God its funny.

Seriously though I think its time to get serious, its time we all stopped joking around, its time we looked a little bit into the future, I think its time we looked all the way to the year 3000...

In the year 3000...

Basically Brian's reputation of being boring will be completely changed forever when photos of him appear on Bebo smoking crack, with two black strippers whilst using sexual positions outlawed by the EU.

In the year 3000...

Roisin will continue with her outragous statements when she claims Donal's band are actually good.

In the year 3000...

Keogh will become a TV star when he appears on an episode of CrimeCall after he mugs someone, unfortunately it turns out he mugs himself.

In the year 3000...

Eoin and Basically Brian will go out hunting in the Alaskan badlands and kill a large North American Grizzily, it will turn out however it is just a skinny dipping VivaLaPablo.

I just remembered that I forgot to publish the official statement by Brian and Jessika announcing their break - up.

It went like this:

Brian: After over four years of togetherness we have decided it is time to go our seperate way and pursue other creative opportunities.

Translation: After over four years of hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing, Brian has finally run out of orfices to stick it in. So has Jessika.

Brian: This is a completely mutual decision and we have nothing but love and respect for each other.

Translation: When you've seen Brian dance around in his underwear covered in chocolate sauce listening to Sting, you know the respect is gone out the window.

Brian: What we would like at this time is for everybody to give us space and time to adjust to our new lives.

Translation: When is the Mirror going to publish those photos of me and Scarlett Johannsen cavorting naked in the South of France?

Top Ten Brian chat up lines

10. 'Do you wanna see my other red finger?'

9. 'Whoa - are you from Planet of the Babes?'

8. 'Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous 2 euro hair cut?'

7. 'You haven't lived until you've seen 'Revenge of the Nerds' on DvD.

6. 'How would like to be my human lap top?'

5. 'So who do I make the check out to?'

4. 'Just because I guy wear tights doesn't mean he's gay.'

3. 'Close your eyes and pretend your using a mouse.'

2. 'BB doesn't stand for Basically Brian, it stands for BOOM BOOM, OH YEAH!'

1. 'Wow your almost as beautiful as me!'

Peace out - and Eoin is bent

From the columist who hopes he remembers how to do this

2006-02-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

Thats right, your eyes do not decieve you Viva La Pablo is back with a whole 16 years of pent up jokes. Legal troubles appear to be over and the its safe sailing from nnow until eternity.

Wanna take a sec before we get into it to hollar at Eoin and his excellent work in my absence I can only imagine that it will not be long before he is given his own independent blog away from my ugly, ugly face.

Right so heres what you've missed in VivaLaPablo land...

I asked JustDonal about his bands music, he told me he wanted the music to do the talking, then he told me his first album is called 'This is shit'.

Ever since Basically Brian and Jessika broke up he has but on a lot of weight, were thinking of changing his nickname to 'one ton and no fun.'

Known Nazi Catriona was very moved by Dr. Martin Luther King's anniversary 'I can't believe he grew up to be a doctor and a king!'

Known Nazi Catriona told me why she failed her driving test 'he asked me the difference between left and right, I told him I only know the difference between top and bottom.'

You know how Dog is to puppy

as

Cat is to Kitten

Well,

Alexander the Great is to 'wept when there were no more lands left to conquer'

as

Aoife Roberts is to 'slept when there were no more guys to bonk her'

Sorry Aoife I haven't talked to you in ages so I thought a crass inappropiate joke would be beneficial.

Whilst I was gone I decided it would be cool to send some questions along with my Xmas cards and I was really shocked by everyone who wrote back...

Seeing as your all so political and sharp(sic), George W Bush's nomination of Samuel Alito will be...

Brian said 'more difficult then that of John Roberts'

Daragh Mac said 'a great display of political debate'

Shambo said 'the new Harry Potter film?'

I'll never love anyone as much as I love...

Catriona said 'my dog'

Donal said 'my shit music'

VivaLaPablo said 'my cake'

When I saw Brokeback Mountain...

Aoife Roberts said 'cried'

Jonathan said 'I new I was watching something great'

JustDonal said 'Wondered who stole my diary'

My first crush was...

Keogh said 'Arabella'

Aoife Kinsella said 'VivaLaPablo'

Catriona said 'the male population of Ireland'

'06 is...

JustDonal said 'a vital year for JustDonal'

Katus said 'an opportunity to grow closer with my friends'

Shambo said 'my IQ'

The worst present I got this year was...

Roisin said 'a pair of socks'

JustDonal said 'my latest album'

Stevie Wonder said 'it feels like JustDonal's latest album'

The Greatest Invention of the past 10 years is...

PJ said 'Vodka and RedBull'

Andrea said 'the iPod'

JustDonal said 'the rumour that I'm straight'

I've always tried to...

Jonathan said 'do what I love most'

Jessika said 'be different, it's more interesting'

Doug said 'remain unclean'

I'll become a mother when...

Kate said 'I find my soulmate'

Aoife Nathan said 'I feel responsible enough'

Catriona said 'the condom breaks'

God Donie got a terrible bashing there, so did Cat, o well it's not like anyone would try to sue me for writing a simple column...........

Insert humourous title here

2006-02-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

So Conor took his electronic pasting very well and as usual the reward for such good humour is the opportunity to set somebody else up for the chop. I have just received confirmation of who’s ‘Getting it’ this time. I’ll admit I was surprised with Conor’s selection but nonetheless quite pleased.

So I bring to you the latest in our series of shocking exposé. That’s right it’s…

-Laura Keegan’s Secrets-

As a young girl it became clear to her parents that Laura found it extremely difficult to tell the truth. At first it seemed she was no more than a young child with an over active imagination and slight delusions of her own reality. However, this trend has continued at a terrific pace despite her parents’ best efforts and lessons on conscience etc. They once forced her to watch Pinocchio 354 times in one week.
Sadly nothing worked and so to this day Laura remains a compulsive liar who, as hard as she might try, can NEVER tell the truth to anybody. This has become increasingly apparent in recent days.

She only wears glasses so people think she’s clever.

She scored so lowly in a school test once that when her teacher tried to correct it the page blew up.

She leads a secret double life as a swinger. Her Saturday nights often involve sleeping with other women’s wrinkly, old, crusty husbands.
*Even if she’s not a swinger the second part of that is still true.

Her secret desire is to someday bed Lynn.

Laura thinks a calculator can be used to both spell and add numbers because “there’s an x on it”. Dumbass.

Laura's favourite scarf is made from gerbil pubic fur.

Laura is a world champion trout fisherman.

Yes, I said man.

Laura thought the Second World War was a rock festival in the forties.

She is oddly proud of once scoring 42 guys in a night in Crete. She believes a straw hat she bought from a young boy on a street corner has magical pulling powers. She then scored the young boy.

Keego is a big filthy smack head. She’s ‘Mad for the smack’ as they say.

She gets headaches when trying to remember her own address.

It’s probably from the smack.

So there we have it, Laura Keegan’s deepest darkest secrets- now public property. Do with them what you will, just don’t tell her that this is my column.

What’s that? You want some interesting facts I may have come across during my trudge through the journalism world? Fair enough. Here you go…

In 1860 Abraham Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine.

If you add together all the numbers on a roulette wheel they add up to 666.

The first VCR was made in 1956 and was the size of a piano.

Honeybees have five eyes.

Frogs use their eyeballs to push food down their throats.

A snail’s pace is 0.00625 miles per hour.

I need new material.

Right I’m off BUT before I go here’s one last thing to give you a chuckle/highly offend you.
I’m going out on a limb and giving the following txt msg my ‘txt of the week’ honour. It comes from the phone of Declan O’Connor and relates to a night we spent in a nightclub on the outskirts of Amsterdam. We now have pretty conclusive evidence it was in fact a gay club. I’m surprised we didn’t notice earlier but there ya go.. Try and see the funny side.

“True.every girl must have bn a gee licker.that’s why we didn’t score.but at the end of d day,lesbians are great.especially stoned blonde dutch ones.

Later Biznatches

-Swanny-

Hands up who finds Nicolas Cage highly irritating?

2006-01-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, thats right- this is indeed the second post in as many days. Times they are a changin'.

Let's get to it

Ok so the other day I got a txt from Mr.Conor "Cheeze" Keyes and i thought it was so entertaining I should share it with the rest of you.

It went a little something like this...
"I cn sink lower.way way lower. Rock bottom wud b an achievement for me,a big achievement."

Conor Keyes ladies and gentlemen, if there is ANY justice in the world he will undoubtedly achieve all of his oh so lofty ambitions. Good luck Cheese.
Anyway lets get into today's main feature. Now those of you who have been here since the bumpy beginning of my column a short while ago will remember a segment i did entitled 'Carrie's secrets'.

Everyone understand this? Yes? Good, I can go on so.

Right, as I told you all Carrie was allowed choose the next victim. Carrie chose both Deco and Aoife and told me to choose which one. HOWEVER...Aoife is off poking herself in south east Asia and I just gave Deco an unhealthy amount of attention yesterday so I decided -"fuck democracy, I run shit around this column so i'm gonna do what I want,WHEN I want."

Anyone got a problem with that? No? Good, i can go on so.

Now the other night a certain individual took it upon themselves to taunt me despite my repeated threats to degrade them on this here column. They called my move…so here it is.

-Cheese's Secrets-
1. While most of you who have known Conor since his 'Formative' years may well believe his nickname Cheese comes from the old Nessans rhyming slang 'the Big Cheese- Conor Keyes'.
The name Cheese is derived from Conor's early days of sexual 'awakening'. From the age of thirteen Conor found that masturbating with a large block of soft cheese, which had been heated very slightly in the microwave, was quite to his liking.
We know this because he told us.
I am sorry to shock you all in this way. Please, don't shoot the messenger.

2. For a short time before Conor began his current occupation as an electrician he was a religious missionary worker in central american refugee camps. He stayed in Nicaragua for six months before being asked to leave due to repeated reports of his abuse of the local 'speciality' substances.

3. Conor has slept with 3521 women. Two of them were decent looking.
3a.The other 3519 did it for free.

4. The last time Conor's system was competley empty of all substances was on his seventh birthday. He accidentally took a large gulp of a glass of whiskey, mistaking it for apple juice.
He has been drunk/high since that sunny saturday afternoon. National Geographic magazine will donate $50,000 to the first person to obtain a photo of Cheese sober.

5. Conor chose the career of an electrician after a youth spent watching little more than cheap pornography films and deciding the best way to get laid was to knock on doors offering to fix things. He initially wanted to be a plumber but did not complete his training because he was caught having sex with the pipes on more than one occasion. He then attempted to become a carpenter but was refused on the grounds that there was a very real chance that he may be outsmarted by the wood.

So now you know.

Later chum.........p
-Swanny-

Back by popular demand/court order

2006-01-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Hello again to you all- I’m back after my unpleasant layoff.

Hospital is no fun- too many sleepless nights and highly painful operations. But I won’t bore you with the details of my miraculous escape, let’s just say Universal are talking to me about the potential for a big screen version.

I want it to be collaboration between Terrence Malick and Sam Mendes but those big shot movie bosses are selling out and going the Spielberg safe route. As long as Jerry Bruckheimer produces I’ll be happy- if anyone can get those high action operation scenes or the dynamic meal time moments right its good ol’ Jer.

Anyway you’re all welcome to the premiere; just don’t let anyone know I invited you.

So since I’ve been back in the free world I haven’t been able to do a whole lot, my mobility is a little limited you see. I’m like an old lady when it comes to getting up from a couch.

But its not all doom und gloom, for you see despite the advances in modern sickness there is one force it cannot defeat- Declan O’Connor.

So there I was on Saturday night, expecting a nice quiet night in (I had already been forced to rescind my top secret invitation to a top-secret meeting in a top-secret pub in Drumcondra regarding a top-secret organisation. No really, I did.) When I got a phone call from himself.

He laughed a lot for the first minute and I don’t know if he was actually trying to say anything but eventually he began to speak-

“Alright Swan, you’re not going to fuckin Malahide are you?”
“Hi Dec.”
“Cos John is going around trying to get everyone to go over to some Goonies place”
“Gibneys Dec.”
“Cheese is going as well, of course, and so is Oisin, of course. You’re not are you? Please Swanny, don’t say you are. Please, please, please.”
“No I’m all fucked up so I can’t go that far. Anyway what’s the big deal wit Gibney’s?”
“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID! Look I can’t let John have more fun than me tonight so we gotta do something, Maccer’s in too.”

This went on for a few minutes during which we pondered what exactly John ‘Ulterior motive’ Mason was up to this time and decided to come up with our own devious plot. Sadly this didn’t go too well and we ended up in the stream- BUT and it’s a big BUT we had a fantastic time and I doubt John (whose plan we worked out due to a misplaced txt msg. Typical John stuff.) Cheese or Ois had- more fun than they’ve probably EVER had!!!!

As I was only off a general anaesthetic three days and it was largely still in my system it may not have been the best idea to hit the whiskeys so soon but when Deco offered to buy me a pint AND a JD and coke I had little will power to say no. Anyway while I was feeling very drunk and generous I told him that my next column would be all about him (he’s been a bit jealous of Maccer lately. I think they all have) so today I bring you a

-Character profile of Mr. Declan O’Connor-

Name: Declan Helen O’Connor

D.O.B: 1?/1/86

Address: The road over from Flynner's.

Character traits: Unrelenting enthusiasm, volatile, tempermental, inquisitive, horny.

Favourite pastimes: Watching Soccer AM, having long/bushy hair (he tells me he gets his hair from his ma), getting ‘smoked’, talking about getting smoked, getting drunk and ending up in his y-fronts, cunnilingus, hiring and firing band members like they’re not one of his best mates, apologising for hiring and firing band members like they’re not one of his best mates, croquet, telling us all how his mother will react to certain situations.

Least favourite pastimes: Not being stoned.

Ambition: To become the lead singer in a world famous doorsesque band and meet Howard Marks, preferably while stoned. He also has plans to set up an international smuggling ring that doesn’t hurt anybody; it “just gets everybody stoned.”
Oh, he also wants us all to ‘stay friend forever.’

Most likely to be heard saying: “Fuck’s sake John.” or “Swanny you’re a fuckin dickhead.” or “My Ma’s gonna go mad!” “Man there is no way I’m going asleep before sunrise at this session.” “Oh man, I gotta go home from this session around one, I’m wrecked.”

Least likely to be heard saying: “You know what Eoin, I completely agree with what you just said.” “No I’ve probably had just about enough to drink/smoke-best stop before I get sick.”

If Deco were to ahve a personal ad it would read a little something like this...

Stoned? Well if ur not i can help. Male, 20. Enjoys long walks while stoned, romantic meals while stoned, sunsets while stoned. I can put the joint back into joint custody (if things work out!) call me.

ok , im outta here. i hope to post again soon. any feednack can be directed to e_brennan54@hotmail com . let me no if u tink anyone else deserves a profile. i can shame your friends!!

later napolitans

-Swanny-

Goodbye for now...

2006-01-24T04:21:00.000-08:00

Hello to all.

As i write this i am two hours away from heading into hospital for an operation and wont be back to you all for a few days. We can't be sure how long but that depends on how long it is until the thousand of drugs they pump into me wear off.
It's ok, dont cry for me! But did you ever get a needle into ur stomach? ye. It's nasty lookin.

Anyway i tried to think of somethin HILARIOUS to write but im too tired n busy psychin myself up so i thought i'd just check in.

I've got a few updates for you all tho-

After my run in with the law on thurs i very wisely got myself, VLP, Cian and Iano stopped by a Garda van for 'wreckless behaviour' on friday night. We tried our best Jedi mind tricks but once they whipped out the torches it was game over.

This Friday i am scheduled to give a speech at the launch of the college paper for which i was sports editor. However i probably won't be fit to travel and so i have left it to my deputy-VLP- who will be delivering a rousing, stirring, propaganda filled rant! Perhaps with a slide show.

Unfortunatley didnt get to see Deco, Cheese and the likes at the weekend so dont have anymore of those DYNOMITE quotes for you all.
Although in a very funny incident Duffer kicked Pablo square in the nuts in Ba Mizu. PAblo fell off the couch and rolled around on the ground for awhile.

OK so i think that's about it apart from wishing the welsh student tyes a safe trip home- It's been great havin them home for christmas.

So good luck Dave, Siohan and (the already departed)Maebh. I'll write some very embarrassing stuf about them once they leave.

Oh and...AOIFE...there. you have a mention-happy?

ok i'll be back in a few days and hopefully i'll have some interesting tales to tell you.

NICK-DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF

Later ass munchers (VLP made me write that)

-Swanny-

You got any...leads man?

2006-01-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

Ok real quick one here, not even counting this as a post.

Which one of you thievin little rags has my 'Seven' DVD and my 'Goodfellas' DVD? I know one of you does! So come on...just come clean. Did u rob it at a session? Did i give it to you in a moment of kindess so great that it erased my memory?
Look i won't be mad-just give them back.
And before everyone points to the obvious suspect- no Cian does not have them.
I already did a shake down on him.
So whoever it is out there just send them home, we all miss them here.
I'm not even going to get into all the CDs that have gone missing over the years from my house.
I have got to get a more trustworthy group of friends.

Anyone for some raspberry absolut?

"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
there."

Theft is a crime AND a sin, think about that.

-Swanny-

NWA were onto something...

2006-01-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ok folks enough of this awards business- i'm going back to the old school here. Factual posts!

Since i last spoke to you properly (before the awards season got into full swing) i've had the odd good day, the odd bad and the odd boring day. The usual basically. That was until today of course.

Nothing too special about college today except we went to KFC for lunch-which i've wanted to do for ages! Great fun altogether and Viva La Pablo told a few dirty secrets that both revolted and entertained the crowd.

So anyway i was off at 4 and good ol Nick 'only seventeen' Brennan came up to college to pick me and VLP up. I decided id drive the car back, cos i'm cooler than him and so didn't want to upset anyone.

WELL it seems i somehow managed to upset an awful lot of ppl. Not even real people...read on.

So there we are going through Bayside on the way home, driving safely (that will become important later on) and when we got to the end of Bayside walk some punk ass biatch kids had gone and rearranged some road cones and barrier tape to block the road. (a trick i was quite fond of in my youth so i cant hold too much of a grudge.)

So i stop at the barrier- as one does. When the three of us finally realise it's not a real barrier Nick hops out and breaks it. As he got back into the car i noticed a Garda squad car with a couple of gards giving me filthy looks. Like women.

Anyway! I drove off into sutton park and decided to use my extensive knowledge of the maze-like layout to lose the gards just in case they stopped me on the old - "do you have a licensed driver in the car with you?" gag. Thought i was nice and in the clear after a couple of turns. Not so.

Pulled out onto the last road out of sutton park and the same car flys up beside me and tells me to pull over. He didn't even say it nicely. Garda Count- 2

So i pull up the car and the two of them come up alongside the window- went a little something like this...

"Who owns the car young man?"
"I do."
"Really?"
"Ye, why?"
"Do you have a license i can see there?"
"Ye, hang on a second. Nick where's my license? ( Nick hands license to me) Here you go."
(Gard does that usual, hmmm this all looks very suspicious in spite of it being a completly fuckin legit document act.)
"Do you have a fully licensed driver in the car with you?"
"Eh..No i don't i'm afraid."
"So what's to stop me from seizing this vehicle right now?"
"Eh...I don't...know."
"Right well you are not insured on this veh-hickle. Do you understand that? We've had complaints about a car with your full registration speeding and driving dangerously around here in the last few minutes."
At this stage an undercover car with two heads who looked like they had missed the turn for the starsky and hutch set had pulled up on the other side of my car, blocking me in totally. The four of them had a nice little pow wow and seemed to think they'd nabbed the feckin boston strangler. Drinks all round at the station! or so it seemed... Garda Count- 4
Then another squad car with three lads who looked like a few 'NYPD blue' extras in it came rolling around the corner. GArda Count- 7

Anyway back to the dialogue-

"What me? I haven't been around here in the last few minutes? I haven't been here all day!"
"WE have several witnesses and descriptions matching your car to a t."
"Hang on- how can people be saying that, i just came from coolock."

(A second unmarked car has now rolled by with another three robocops on patrol. obviously on the same 'case' cos they all exchange knowing nods that seem to imply-
"we'll bash him back at the cop shop in fifteen lads, you bring the beers and we'll bring the orange in a sock." Garda Count- 10
Then my ma drives past. Seriously i don't even live in Bayside-so what are the feckin odds of my ma drivin past that quiet corner at that quiet time while her son was at the centre of the Garda four ring circus who were performing the biggest witch hunt since they bbq'd joan of arc?
I know, shockin. Someone get Giraldo on the phone.)

Basically this crap went on for another few minutes with him TELLING me he had enough evidence to have me taking communal showers and trading smokes for the next decade and me telling him i was nowhere near the place. I was read my rights and have to go down to the station to sort some crap out but the basic jist i worked out was they were looking for a RED car around bayside and decided they would get the thirteenth legion of the roman army down to restrain me. Oh and at this stage a RIOT VAN was rolling by with anotherthree members of the cast of Police Academy hanging out the windows.

Garda Count- 13
Swanny Count- 1
They ain't fair odds- but i wasn't the one who drove away first! AHHAHAHA!

Obviously it wasn't me they were lookin for but who the hell is this guy that they need 13 gardai to catch him?

--Well as i was about to post this my little sister Rosie told me she saw someone doin handbrake turns around tiny corners, almost knockin over old people and screechin around at fast ass speeds around bayside earlier this afternoon in a car that looks alot like mine, just a bit older. Mystery solved.

And for phase two...well that comes later

OH YE! My ma almost passed out when she drove past, she's ok now tho.
Oh and in case you're wondering- Pablo did nothing but almost get our asses hauled into the joint with one sentence! Nice work, i can only imagine how long you would last under intense interrogation.

Later Law abiders

-Swanny-

A Tribute to the unhinged one

2006-01-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Warning: The Following post is fairly lengthy- not for the A.D.D sufferers among you. Which is actually pretty ironic, you'll see what i mean.

So how are we all? It seems the dust has settled on the controversy surrounding the ‘Man of the year’ awards and, for most of us, life has moved on.

However one item of business remains lingering like a stale fart. It might seem I have overlooked one very worthy nominee; however I have saved a much greater accolade for this particular gentleman. For you see, this individual has gone above and beyond in his quest to weasel some favour with me over the past years and as such an award for the work of 365 short days quite simply would not cut it.

Now, seeing as the band left justdonal towers early today I guess I’ll forego the fanfare and tickertape parade (sure didn’t the tickertape machine pack in today of all days too. And irony being the whore that it is-who was the only one who knew how to fix it? Yep, Frankie our bassoonist. Fucked off with the tools and everything so he did. Jokes on him though because he’s going to get an awful rash after what myself and Bill did to his bassoon- Bill plays the spoons; mean ass spoon player that Bill. Bit of a practical joker, good guy.)

Anyway basically there just are not the facilities here in my office at justdonal towers for any form of parade/ heralding. So I guess I’ll cut to the chase-
This is the inaugural ‘Lifetime achievement award’. An award that will most likely soon become completely devalued, highly laughable, most certainly libellous and frequently offensive. While it would seem that the classy thing to do here would be to confer annual status on this award I think it would be an extreme departure from usual habits to introduce class into this column and its subsidiaries. So fuck it- this award is for those who I may owe a major favour to, those who have the requisite cash to pay their way to success, the few who can for some reason or another give me ‘an offer I can’t refuse’, and finally to the even more rare handful who may somehow earn it.

However for the opening gong I will be honouring someone who truly does deserve this award (and who also bitched enough about not being nominated for man of the year that I almost had a seizure- from boredom). So ladies and gentlemen the ‘lifetime achievement award for advancement in the field of being a freakin' lunatic’ goes to…David McBride!

David McBride was born in a Limerick tenement building in 1943 to Mr. Pat McBride, a self made turnip merchant and Mrs. Mary McBride who at the time had begun to take her first steps in a career as a shipping merchant in the South Pacific Ocean.
In David’s early years he showed a keen interest in the works of classical composers and novelists. His development was most eloquently recorded by his brother Brendan McBride (winner of ‘dickhead of the year’ award -1993, 95, 96,2001,04. and 'Sap of the month' a record 42 times.) when he likened David’s potential in his early years to “when you really got to take a shite but there’s no jacks around but then when you get there, oh man, you just know it’s gonna be good!”

Up until the age of six David read classical novels daily, (Dostoyevsky’s ‘Crime and punishment’ being a favourite of his) and had become proficient with the clarinet, piano and classical guitar.
Before his fifth birthday he had written two full-length musicals in Latin and on his sixth birthday presented his Mother with the first pages of hand written music that was to be the opening of his first classical work. Although this piece was never completed it can be found in rare vinyl or cassette form from several Internet speciality collectors. It goes under the name ‘Maccer’s unfinished symphony’.

Over the next few years David dedicated himself to furthering his knowledge. He learnt to speak French, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, and Chinese before he found a deep fondness for the lost cultures of ancient civilisations which led to him learning to speak several African languages which had been considered lost or almost completely forgotten.

Aged eight he developed the wheel to its current form and spearheaded the revolution of the ESB. He said, “May we banish the cotton gin to the annals of Irish history, let us embrace the power of Zeus and allow electricity to become an integral cog in the machine that is our nation.” He then said it again in four other languages and for a laugh said it backwards in Swahili with perfect diction whilst reciting Shakespeare in sign language.

By the age of ten David had become a leading cultural figure and a highly respected philosopher. Although it was never made official, he was an influential figure during the first days of what is now the European Union and was known as the ‘puppet master’ behind the resolution of the Cuban missile crisis. He also educated a young Michael Parkinson in etiquette and fencing whilst also introducing Parky to fine wines and good posture.
However his blossoming development was to take what has been creatively described as ‘a necessary altering of his perspective to achieve a fuller view of the universe’.
However to this day academics and artists alike across the world refer to this particular moment as ‘Black Saturday’.

On a Saturday morning in an unusually warm month of March David went with his father to a hardware store. It is believed when he first set his eyes upon a fully stocked tool belt he involuntarily wet himself and for the first time in his life whispered the word ‘sound’. In what has turned out to be a HUGE (and fairly convenient) coincidence the hardware store was situated directly opposite a shop called Speaker Central, which was at the time the country’s largest stockist of sound equipment. Before the pee had even trickled past his knee David’s ears were assaulted by the booming bass of a sub-woofer demonstration in Speaker central. It has been confirmed by Mr. Pat McBride, under the scrutiny of a polygraph, that David did indeed poop his y-fronts. We cannot be sure if this was in the rhythm of the bass line.
An instant love was born and as David hugged the 25,000-watt speaker while it boomed notes like bombs he disintegrated ten years of advanced learning within the length of one chorus. His father has described the shock he received at the moment he realised David had, quite literally, lost his mind. “We walked back to the car and he kept laughing at the oddest things. He tried to pick a fight with a post box and when we got to the car he forgot he had to open the door to get in and called it a faggot. Then when we were driving home he kept pulling up the handbrake whenever I went around a turn- he didn’t know why, his hand just kept going for it! Before I knew it he was watching Sky One and naming the individual rocks in our garden.”

Over the next two years David became almost as skilled with a hammer and saw as he had been with a piano or clarinet. He changed his name to ‘Dave’, began operating under the moniker ‘Maccer’ and as he was caught fighting in school for the one hundred and eighty first time in a single month his parents seemed to subconsciously give up by sending him to St. Paul’s secondary school.

During his three years at St. Paul’s he befriended several individuals who would be best described as ‘liable to fly off the fucking handle’ and became ‘known’ to local and national policing bodies for activities best left unmentionable.
He began a rugby career that culminated in him punching Ronan O’Gara in the face and giving Brian O’Driscoll a dead leg. No one is quite sure how he got from point A to point B.
Once at a school fundraiser he broke the Guinness world record for the number of wooden tables constructed in an hour by whipping up 74 of the things between two and three in the afternoon. He then started a fight.
However, his years of carpentry and violence at St. Paul’s were to come to an abrupt end when his father told Dave they would be moving to New York as he had been given a job working in the financial dept. of an evil super-villain who had a five year plan to take over the world from a New York city warehouse. This also coincided with Dave’s mother, Mary, being promoted from shipping merchant to shipping tycoon in the South Pacific Ocean.

The three left behind their Dublin home, Dave’s excess siblings and moved to upstate New York and the upmarket area of Rye. Here Dave carried on his behaviour regarding tools and wood but the most significant development was when he was first driven in the ultra expensive and ultra ‘pimped out’ car of one of his New York friends. When Dave heard sub-woofers in a car for the first time he once again secreted and fell in love with bass for the second time in his life. He knew his calling from this day- to make things loud. And with shades of the brilliance of his youth he set about that.

He spent the next three years living a life of luxury and all too frequent police attention whilst all the time dreaming of one day owning his own subs.
In Dave’s third year in the U.S. he was offered a job as an executive in a large New York Vaseline firm- a job which offered a $150,000 starting off salary, company car, lifetime supply of petroleum jelly and expenses account. However, in what he now sees as the most well thought out decision since his very early years, he rejected the offer and instead chose to move back to his native country. His reasoning was simple- if he lived in New York he could never have the loudest car, no matter how much he earned, but if he was to move home he could be the proud owner of the city’s loudest monstrosity just by taking the left over equipment of his mega-rich New York friends.
So with the added incentive of possible jail time hanging over his head were he to remain in the state of New York for more than two weeks Dave packed up his memories and booked himself a flight home. Upon his arrival he picked a fight with a baggage handler and a Swedish tourist.

The past couple of years have seen Dave advance himself in new ways. He has become an apprentice carpenter, achieved his dream of owning the city’s loudest car boot (or ‘trunk’ as he sometimes says) and stood for election twice. He says in the future he hopes to live in a country without metal or concrete, a world composed entirely of wood. He then hopes to break his own record for picking fights. He has begun research for his record attempt by frequenting K2 on a regular basis and rekindling contact with his former St. Paul’s buddies/associates.

Since we first met, David has punched me in the face a total of 23 times, called me a faggot 14,361 times, drank 2,465 litres of alcohol in my company, threatened to shoot me 7 times, visited Halfords close to 100,000 times and wrestled me on the grass in his back garden at half five on a summer morning just once. He has never brought me to the zoo. But most of all he’s been fun, in an odd sort of ‘I really shouldn’t be laughing at this’ way.
Yes, we all feel bad he didn’t become a great leader or composer but we also feel very confident that he could finally be ready to challenge his brother in the race for Dickhead of the year in 2006 thanks to his repeated destruction of public property around the Bayside area, over exuberance in the face of potentially violent adversity and reckless driving.

So with his twenty first birthday fast approaching and his potential coming close to an all time high we look forward to another period of prosperity and entertainment from Mr. David McBride- Knacker, gun owner, chippie, fly fisher, aggression specialist, sulky prick, latent homosexual, Spongebob squarepants fanatic, bear tamer, destroyer of random people’s homes, casual thief, sidekick to Mr. Eoin ‘The dog’s bollocks’ Brennan, unofficial trader, former child prodigy, harsh bastard, owner of Jess, handler of numerous dodgy contacts, urban rally driver and sleepy head.
Good Luck David, just don’t come looking for me to pick a fight next time we’re locked.

I'd hate to have to give you an award an kick your ass in the same week.
You faggot.

David McBride- Recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award For Advancement in the Field of Being a Freakin’ Lunatic.

Congratulations.

Believe it or not, alot of that is true.

Later pinkos,

Swanny

The aftermath of the man of the year awards-EXCLUSIVE!

2006-01-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

It seems the once quiet and uneventful 'Man of the year awards' have become the 'highly controversial man of the year awards'.
The accolade had hardly been dished out before the bitching and animosity between nominees and non-nominees alike began, that's even ommiting Mr.Gallaghers highly inflammatory acceptance speech.
Let's start with first things first and with some of the highlights of Barry's acceptance 'rant'.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Oisin Fagan- thank you all for coming tonight. To the other nominees i say- it can't be easy to lose but i'm sure it's alot easier to lose to me. It is quite an honour to receive this award, i guess. I'm so busy reminding people i got to *(shouts) Trinity College Dublin* i barely have time these days to check up on what's still "cool" with the "people". I also love RUGBY! (At this point Mr.Gallagher proceeded to pund his chest and shout WOOH!).
I suppose i really should thank some people here...(long pause,several people leave)...ok i have one, Thank you to Drico and all the Ireland and Leinster lads- hard luck last year but thank you all for keeping the scene alive! (Mr. Gallagher then attempted to begin a chant of "Drico, Drico, Drico." This was greeted with unanimous boos and several chairs were thrown from the audience towards the stage. One missed Mr.Gallagher by a few inches- he later compared his side step to that of Brian O'Driscoll in the Stade De France. During the violence a Mr. Conor Keyes and a Mr.John Mason were forcibly removed from the ceremony.)

Mr. Gallagher continued a rugby/"Trinners" rant for a further twenty three minutes. With the crowd beginning to disperse and arm themselves for Mr.Gallaghers exit a quick witted member of the congregation remembered Barry's one key weakness. Incredible Vanity.
It was whispered to the man of the year that although he was wearing a black shirt his pants were merely a very,very,very deep navy blue and TECHNICALLY clashed with his top.
Barry had a short panic attack beside the podium before being carried outside for air. A nearby witness told later of how Mr.Gallagher could be heard singing "Ireland's call" while he was treated on the ground.

The remaining nominees seemed disappointed with the result and each seemed shocked with the events unfolding before their eyes.

Daniel Flynn remained seated in the darkest corner he could find throughout the ceremony. When asked on how he felt about the result he replied "Oh man,i never win,dude,i always lose,man,i gotta go home and paint my pain,dude." He then put on an extra black t-shirt and dyed his hair.

Cian O'Laoi was outside smoking a joint at during the disturbance and decided to go bowling when told of the incident. He also said 'yeah man' 11,436 times throughout the evening.

Basically Brian had been showing his finger to one of the other atendees when the proceedings turned nasty. He was then ejected by stewards for suspected cannabis consuption on the premises. He was later allowed back in after he convinced them that he just always looked like that.

Strictly Jonathan was awarded the 'Best dressed' awardbefore the main event. Mr. Barry Gallagher was most upset by this.

Paolo Maldini played neat offside-traps all evening long and got forward occasionally. He put several superbly timed sliding tackles in on the waiting staff over the course of the evening.

Rafa Benitez drank from the Champions League trophy and led several conga lines between tables carrying the trophy overhead. He went home in an open top double decker bus.

Nick Brennan wasn't allowed into the ceremony because he is only SEVENTEEN!

There was also some bitterness expressed by several individuals who felt they were unfairly forgotten in the nominations.

David McBride said "Fuck you Swanny.You know i could have you shot yeah? Faggit."

Paul Farrell said "How was i not nominated? Is it because of Shambo? Shambo stop sleazing on the furniture."

Laura Keegan commented "How do you know i'm NOT a man? OH. MY. GOD!"

Overall the Awards were largely enjoyed by all and pending the results of several resultant court cases they will hopefully be on again next year. But until then it's goodbye.

In other news, it seems I will be returning my business to the bloody stream! And without having to slink around the place like a (much) wanted felon. Hoo-Fucking-rah! bout time. Had a great night there on Friday though.

I feel there were many great moments but the abiding memory will be of Lynn Donovan falling over. As a group of rowdy drunken males we have waited several weeks for a girl to fall over in front of us so we could justify sining "She fell over! She fell over!- thank you Lynn. Thank you...SO much.
Oh and for those who missed it the world's funniest moment happened late on Saturday night when Maccer and Cheese put Flynner in the coal bunker at the Shell garage in Raheny. I almost threw up in my car I was laughing so hard. No lie. Cian was there too, he'll tell ya. Tell em Ciano!

And Finally...
I recently received the world's funiest e-mail(big on the 'world's funniest' vibe today) from Deco. Said e-mail contained several tit-bits of knowledge regarding Chuck Norris. From now on I will be posting some as an 'easy to take' end of column 'shot' of humour. I do not take credit for these but feel they must be shared with the world.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only ChuckNorris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

And trust me-there are PLENTY more where they came from.

Til next time fools.

-Swanny-

So...Carrie's a big liar. But i doubt you needed me to tell you that.

2006-01-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

So surprise surprise! Carrie does NOT read the column! Although judging from her response (when I showed the last column to her) she might take a slightly more active interest in my online activities from now on. To be fair though she took it reasonably well, eventually.

I would like to take this chance to point out that, despite BASICALLY BRIAN’s claims, she could not kick ‘several kinds of shit’ out of me. But I’d still put good money on her giving Viva La Pablo a scare. However, that’s not saying a lot considering the time he walked home from my house because I threatened to slap him with a tea towel.

However from the positive response which the “Carrie’s secrets” segment received I have come up with an idea for an on-going section here on this column. Here it is…

From now on I will be running regular sections profiling readers of the site in the same ‘creative’ way that I presented ‘Carrie’s secrets’. The previous subject will choose the next subject. This means Carrie now gets to choose the next person to be victimised and in turn they will be allowed choose the following poor unfortunate for me to weave semi-truths about for you all to read here. It’s much like the way Mr. Ashton Kutcher operates his selection system for who gets punk’d except I’m not as pretty as him and you lot just ain’t as interesting as his victims.

But lets give it a go anyway.

Carrie’s final decision will be made soon- two names have come up as firm favourites already and I feel both could work well.

Now time for the, admittedly late, Man of the year awards for 2005.

The nominations are as follows-

Rafael Benitez- Istanbul, AC Milan, greatest game of soccer ever played, somehow got Vladimir Smicer to score in a Champions league final.

Basically Brian- For bravely battling against the odds despite having half of his ass grafted to his index finger. Respect.

Paolo Maldini- Because he’s Paolo Maldini and was for twelve months straight. Legend.

Strictly Jonathan- For making himself known to me during the past twelve months. Possibly the most entertaining man to ever sell bin tags.

Nick Brennan- For graciously remaining the ‘weaker sibling’ in all departments for another year. He’s started mouthing off lately but I think his attitude during the early stages of the year warrants a nomination.
As I write this he keeps telling me I’m ‘a fag’ and ‘a Benny’ (he obviously learnt that one at school today because he didn’t know it yesterday when came to give me my daily ear-bashing.) For those of you in the bar industry around Howth, Nick is SEVENTEEN years old despite whatever documentation he has furnished himself with might say. So next time you see him holding up the bar tell him to ‘Fuck off home’. He hates that.

Daniel Flynn- Don’t know how he does it but the man is irresistibly hilarious without ever making jokes. But the real reason for his nomination is ‘you know what’. I know ‘you know what’ happened in 2004 but we still congratulate him on it to this day. There’s also the other one that almost got him beaten up but let’s not open that can of worms. Plus this gives me the perfect excuse to mention that Roisin loves him, like, loads. As you can probably tell from the vagueness of this Flynner is not going to win.

Cian O’Laoi- For climbing Mount Everest while baked off his nut. And also for one other thing, but let’s not open that can of worms! I’ll save that for it’s own post. FHJ!

However despite all of these, clearly, fantastic contenders I’m afraid there can be only one winner of this award…

Barry Gallagher- For successfully dragging us across Europe throughout our inter-railing adventure. Barry was the mother of the group and was it not for him I’m sure my final resting place could have been that junkie-infested shit-hole we stayed in on our first night in Amsterdam. Through intense organisation and a never-ending suspicion of absolutely everyone we met (remember that Estonian who kept telling us his name was Gandalf and he lived a ‘very fancy life’ in Estonia?) Barry steered us from one side of the continent to the other and back again. And he also once went to a club wearing odd shoes! Now that was funny.

Yes, before you ask, this entire sham of an awards ceremony was staged as an excuse for pro-Baz propaganda and is a long over-due thank you to Mr. Barry Gallagher. So congratulations Barry! You are 2005 MAN OF THE YEAR!!
It has also been a good chance to slag off Nick who keeps threatening to sue me (he watches far too much of that Living Tv crap) if i ever mention him on the site.
So nick-Your move...dickhead.

I had intended to document the festival of celebrations that heralded Declan’s birthday yesterday but I feel I’ve talked enough crap for one post so I will save that for another day.

Anyway some of the things that went on and were said last night were not exactly suitable for the public domain so I better get a second/legal opinion before I pollute this site with said incidents/Quotes.

Later cock-knockers.

-Swanny-

Any comments or complaints can be directed to my legal representative Dr. David Yates. He gets enough of his own anyway.

I wonder how many words i can fit in this title bar before it cuts me off or if it will just keep going and makes the world's biggest title.Well i thi

2006-01-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

Hello Again to all.

Apologies for the delay in delivering to you another column but i've been surprisingly busy for someone who technically has nothing to do these days.
As usual the Christmas holidays have sort of fizzled out towards the end. They always start out so full of promise but by the end I ALMOST miss having a reason for getting up in the morning. Still though, i'm sure i won't be saying that next monday when i get to go back to the 'urban paradise' of Colaiste Dulagh with it's 'colourful' clientele only surpassed by the fine canteen meals and 'charming' retro architecture.
If Dulagh is anything to go by it looks like filthy pikeys and a stylishly minimalistic attitude to facilities are coming back in a big way for 2006.
(i have deliberatley mis-spelt the name of the college to make sure we don't have any repeats of a recent 'legal' incident where a certain person googled their own name and found some offensive material relating to them on a column here. And until then i thought viva la pablo had the biggest ego in our college.)

Anyway enough moaning- i'm going to run a little test for a quick minute. You see my girlfriend (goes by the name 'Carrie') claims she reads this column but i think she's lying to me. This would be counted as repeated lying as i have asked her a couple of times if she does. Now if she does read my brand spanking shiny new column then i guess i will get in trouble for telling you all-

"Carries secrets"

1. Carrie is not her real name, it is in fact short for Alan.

2. In her youth Carrie was a member of the I.C.F or the 'inter city firm' who were regarded as one of the most dangerous football hooligan firms in the 1980s and folowed West Ham football club. This is why she can often be found roaring "HAV' IT!!" at passers by.

3. Carrie has voted for George Bush, Adolf Hitler and Carly Coonagh in the past. (she claims the mouse slipped and gave Carly her vote but nobody believed her.)

4. Despite her dark and moody exterior she can actually be quite funny.Those who know her
will find this quite preposterous.

5. In a long since hidden interview with the Daily Telegraph Ms. Shaw once claimed she was the reincarnation of several gods and made ridiculous claims such as- she was the one who sank the titanic and that she directed American Beauty and Goodfellas under pseudonyms (note to Aine J- that means 'fake names'). She also told the reporter she would be "avin' it with them fulham bastards come saturday."

Now if she spots this i'm sure i will be greeted with her classic 'edenmore hello'. And since she also happens to be a black belt in a couple of martial arts (that is in fact the only dash of truth about her so far) i'm sure it will hurt.
Carrie you have 48 hours to spot this.
If you fail to you will be ridiculed until my throat is sore from shouting and i will forever have your 'repeated lies' to excuse accusations of affairs, embezzlement or plans for organised crime syndicates. oh joy.

In other news I had a fairly crazy weekend. A short synopsis would be-

Fantastic night in town on friday night, work three hours later,work christmas party in the great southern hotel on sat night, approx 23-27 heavy drinks later (i tried to count) decided getting a hotel room with Darragh Keogh (like i had to tell Darragh more than once on Sat night- it was just as friends) was a good idea, three hours later woke up with Darragh standing at the end of my bed wearing very little and laughing at Colin who had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor, had breakfast IN the airport, saw Cillian Murphy's new house (he lives beside Darragh.)
So now you know.

A couple more of those easy to digest quotes of the weekend-
-Me "Darragh you don't say 'ken' when you're ordering a pint of heineken do you?" Darragh "No, Corona."

"I'm gonna kill him." David McBride- To me about a fairly huge Russian man and his three even huger friends who didn't really like us enough to not kick the living crap out of us. Luckily we will never know if Dave was right or not as i took a chair and admistered the biggest blow to Russia since the collapse of the Soviet Union.

"Here Swan check out the junkie, (then shouting out the bus window) Get out of the way of the bus you junkie! (then back to me) Ah look at him, mad for the smack!" Cheese- funny man and soul-less smartarse. ooh ooh ooh! She fell over! She fell over!(Cheese and co. know what i mean)

"No lads, they're frozen teardrops." Deco trying to explain what the tiny plastic 'crystals' in Maebhs kitchen were.

"I got a job in Super Valu." David Yates, officially in the rat race for two weeks only.

"Oh of course i read your column! It's REALLY REALLY funny." Carrie Shaw- professional weaver of mis-truths.

There are plenty more but i will save them for days when i can't even come up with an entire column of crap.

And finally many thanks to Strictly Jonathan for his lovely welcoming post. It's nice to get such a warm welcome from a highly respected columnist such as himself.
Good guy that Johnathan, i for one like him and as such will not be writing anything more about him and a certain other individual. (wink wink COLLINSER!) Eoghan also made it very clear he wasn't too keen on the joke. I for one propose some sort of triathlon to determine the winner in all of this. It doesn't have to be between the two gentlemen in question, let's just have a bloody triathlon for once!

For the record, i had no prior knowledge of any ill-feeling between two said individuals and the comment wasn't meant to annoy either of you gals. Guess I'll have to find out what it's all about now.

Now there's a whopper of a column for you to enjoy. Later.

-Swanny-

All the way to Cavan, all the way to Cavan...

2006-01-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Now even though I am aware that predictions for the year 2006 have already been made by BASICALLY BRIAN I feel I might as well throw in my own.
So here we go...

Viva la Pablo will become a self-styled recluse, write and record his memoirs from a mountain retreat and finally pull up his pants.

During the world cup final Basically Brian will stop talking about his finger for approximately two hours. This will last until the trophy is lifted (by Brazil, obviously).

Strictly Jonathan will go for a new 'gangsta rap' image and pimp out his Peugeot. He will then begin to partake in a dangerous new life of illegal street racing. This will lead to a final duel between himself and Eoghan Collins from Howth summit to Sutton Cross. Initially nobody will watch but the DVD will sell in record numbers.

Justdonal will hit the big time with three top five singles in the month of May. By September he will have started a solo career, released a tell all auto-biography, starred in Swedish celebrity big brother and had his image used to sell everything from breakfast cereals to insect repellents.

Shambo will get a job. Probably.

Keogh will learn the names of at least two plants apart from ‘grass’ and ‘tree’. Compost is not a plant Darragh, wood is not a plant Darragh, Terracotta pot is NOT a plant Darragh.

I will return my business to the bloody stream, maybe.

Eoghan will realise he can never throw a party that will be as incredibly fantastic as mine. He will however still go on about it for the next three years afterwards. In the third person.

Maccer will admit he enjoyed ‘that kiss’ (see below) with Deco.

And finally… “We’ll win our trophy back!”

Now here, as promised, Some quotes from the New Years celebrations in Cavan-

“Hey Johnner, have a look out there and make sure there’s not someone on top of the car.” Deco gets a bout of paranoia at five in the morning while trying to sleep in a car outside the house.

“Imagine if blood started dripping down the windows!” Deco again, presumably seriously freaking John out at this stage.

“Laura, go buy a pack of johnnies and I’ll sleep with you.” A well known male friend (who shall remain nameless) propositions Laura Keegan. Unsurprisingly Laura turned his offer down. Fair play to ya Laura.

“Deco just scored me.” Maccer at one minute past midnight.

“Tongues and all.” Maccer at one minute and five seconds past midnight.

When asked what he bought in the local Centra for breakfast Steve Wickham replied –“Pancakes and ‘Reservoir Dogs’.” He wasn’t lying.

Some mentions should also go out to Oisin for the funniest fall from a couch in history, Larry who bought sixteen boxes of cereal in a house with only one bowl. David Yates for “working the crowd” at four in the morning and those involved in the “from behind, from behind, from behind” chants which greeted Flynner and Vicky as they woke up. Oh and also to those fantastic Welsh friends of ours who spoke “like that” for an entire party, brilliant!
Oh and a big thank you to Maebh who threw the shindig, it was quite the good one.
Thank You.

-Swanny-

Hello From your new Columnist - Swanny

2006-01-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

And so it is with great responsibility weighing on my shoulders that I begin my tenure as columnist here at justdonal towers.
Over the past few days the media has hyped my signing for justdonal with tales of excessive signing-on bonuses and rumours of ridiculous demands on my part. So with all of this hanging over my head as I begin my first column I feel it would be best to set the record straight on some of the stories which have been doing the rounds in the tabloids this past week.

Firstly- at no stage did I request that I be given a €4,000,000 signing on fee as an ‘act of faith’ from justdonal. This also covers my reported weekly wage of €75,000. The actual figure is substantially less and well within the current wage structure at justdonal.

Secondly- In a certain red-top newspaper a story was run that I had demanded several concessions while working at the towers. First on this list was that I supposedly wanted to be allowed full use of the justdonal helicopter for trips to the zoo. I cannot emphasise how false this is, I will wait my turn for the helicopter just like everyone else.

Thirdly- A certain evening publication has perpetuated the notion that the recent legal fallout regarding Viva La Pablo had in some way been orchestrated by myself in a plot to open up a space on the site for myself. This rumour holds little or no truth and in actual fact I have been working closely with Mr. Pablo during proceedings and have acted as emissary between Pablo and the real world since his self imposed exile. I have also been in frequent contact with Bernardo Di Franco regarding his and Pablo’s other project (that would be the leftish rebellion they’re cooking up).

Fourth(ly?)- While I do have certain contractual conditions regarding my accommodation and work area at justdonal I have not, yet, demanded three thousand bottles of Evian, four full grown Bengal tigers, twenty seven off-white doves or indeed nine hundred orchids to be arranged in different ways each time I enter my work area.

And finally- The reason for the delay in negotiations was not due to my insistence on a second tour bus for my entourage (that would be Cheese, Deco, Flynner, Maccer, John etc.) but was actually due to a technical mishap caused by wire taps that we suspect were placed to incriminate Viva La Pablo. For legal reasons I cannot discuss this matter any further.
For now.

So now that we have that out of the way let’s take a moment to look forward to what’s to come from this new column.

I will be covering the highly entertaining activities of all of those who cross my path and hope to introduce you all to a number of entertaining folk. For instance, did you hear the story of how ‘The big Cheese’ Conor Keyes was bitten by a junkie in town last week? No? Well if I get the time I’ll tell all.
Or the time Maccer went on a date with some girl only to get there and find that her mother had come along for the fun? Oh yes, it happens.
And how about when Deco and John went to play a gig in Sligo but ended up playing in an old abandoned mansion surrounded by occult rituals, orgies and drug smoking seven year olds? No foolin.
Then of course there’s all those things Roisin gets up to in college. Until now she has gotten away with little or no public humiliation, I for one feel that must change.

But if the secrets of what Roisin gets up to during the week simply isn’t enough for you I am happy to tell you- that’s not all…

I will be bringing occasional guest columns from friends/associates of mine, such as… Bernardo Di Franco- Already he has had two columns here but will be allowed a weekly outlet to update us on the progress of his close comrade Viva LA Pablo during their battle for the left.

Plus many more guests…

Coming to you very soon, “What happened in Cavan last weekend.”

-Swanny- (a.k.a Eoin B)

Apology

2006-01-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I published an article on my column that was offensive to Aodhan Madden. I wish to offer a full and frank apology for any offence my article may have caused. This is was not my intention.

Paul Farrell

Where is Viva La Pablo

2005-12-22T02:41:00.000-08:00

This is BASICALLY BRIAN here, Viva La Pablo has gone away on a 'little holiday'. It is the unfortunate reality that his tupparware addiction had become so severe that he was not able to perform his posting duties, and this was bringing the whole team down. We all wish Viva LA Pablo the very best and hope that he is back posting soon. To send him good luck messages, or more specifically financial donations do so at basicallybrian@hotmail.com